The Paris of America

When is a house not a home? When it's a sentient asteroid.

Title: The Doctor's Wife
Season: 06 Episode: 04
Summary: It's like a soap bubble, except it's not.

We open, not in the TARDIS, but on some strange an alien planet with this young lady named Idris and her companions:

Uncle: who wishes he could go in her place...but not really because whatever they're doing to the poor girl, it's going to hurt.

They set her upon a platform and "Auntie" explains that Nephew is going to drain her mind and soul from her body and leave only the vessel behind.

Good times.

She's scared, of course, but Auntie reassures her that it will all be okay, because there will be a Time Lord coming.

Meanwhile, in the TARDIS, the Doctor is telling Rory a story that he really doesn't believe.

He consults Amy, who believes it, of course...because she was there.

The Doctor is grousing about the warning lights always going off, which gives Rory time to pull Amy aside to talk about the Doctor's death. She's can't get her mind off it, and Rory wants her to leave it alone for now.

Suddenly a knock (In the Form of "Shave and a Haircut" because everybody loves a clever knock)! This is perplexing because they're out in space, but the Doctor seems to be excited about it!

It's...a flying box?

Apparently it is some kind of Time Lord communication system. Mail, if you will. A Flying box? We should have known this was Time Lord technology.

The Doctor explains further that it is a distress message. In times of trouble Time Lords wrap up their thoughts in little tiny psychic boxes like this one and send them out in the world to find help.

The underlying point of all this that has got him so very excited is the fact that there must be another Time Lord out there to have sent this thing.

Doubly exciting? It's one of the good Time Lords: This ouroboros is the mark of the Corsair. He never had a regeneration without it!

As for the tricky fact that the Doctor is the only Time Lord left in the universe... Easily solved: They are heading outside the Universe!

Leaving the Universe through this crack is no small feet. The Doctor has to delete some rooms to make it through. He jettisons the swimming pool, the scullery, and Squash Court number 7!

No! Not Squash Court #7!

The Doctor is excited to be in a brand new Non-Unversal place for about two seconds, until the TARDIS is drained of all power. The Matrix...TARDIS Soul has vanished! To where has it vanished, the Doctor wonders.

Cut immediately to Idris. *ahem*

Just in case you didn't immediately get it...we hear the TARDIS noise and Idris expels some time energy.

If you still don't get it, I'm not going to explain it to you.

The Doctor and Co. Embark on the planet here, and Amy asks what kind of trouble the Corsair is in. The Doctor doesn't know, but what he does know are many synonyms for the word "Trouble".

Since Rory is here for all your expositioning needs: He asks the Doctor how they can be outside the Universe since the Universe is everything.

The Doctor likens it to a tiny soap bubble hanging onto another bigger soap bubble. Rory thinks he gets it for a second, but the Doctor tells him it's not really like that at all, pats him on the back, and walks away.

Rory gives him the rolly eyes of doom.

Amy recaps what we just recapped and Rory wonders where all this scrap came from. It's just fallen into this tiny soap bubble universe by mistake.

The Doctor corrects himself and calls the Universe a plug-hole that they've fallen down instead.

So that makes this the Drain? Yep. As my plumber can attest to, there is all kind of crap that falls down into the drain.

The rest of the gang has come to find them, and Idris heads straight for the Doctor. She talks a mile a minute, calls him a thief, is really confused about the difference between Hello and Goodbye and gives him an extremely sloppy kiss much to everybody's shock here.

Auntie and Uncle manage to yank Idris away from him. They welcome the crew to their Rock.

The Doctor wonder's why Idris thinks he's a thief. He hasn't stolen anything. She tries to explain that he's stolen her, but can't seem to get her tenses straight.

She has the Doctor completely bamboozled.

Auntie apologizes for Idris' being totally bonkers.

They introduce themselves, and Uncle is pretty creepy with no concept of personal space as he gets all up in the Doctor's grill and warns him to be careful of Idris, because she "Bites".

Idris, takes him literally and Mike Tyson's the Doctor.

They wrench her away from him, but she still thinks biting is awesome. "It's like Kissing...only there's a winner!"

Uncle apologizes once again for her being "Doolalied" She disagrees. She is something else but she can't think of the word.

Instead, a new idea about kissing pops into her head, so she chases the Doctor around until she's restrained.

She finally pauses in her manic energy, because she had a thought about the Doctor being angry.

The Little boxes will make him angry.

Before the Doctor can extract any useful information out of her...(That he knows of right now) She grabs the Doctor's chin and tells Rory that the word petrichor means the smell of dust after the rain.

He wonders why she's telling him that, because he didn't ask. She says that he WILL ask.

Auntie and Uncle think that maybe it's time for Idris to take a nap. She agrees and promptly passes out. The Doctor and Rory deposit her in a nearby chair.

Uncle thinks that she's dead, and he doesn't seem to be too broken up about it. Rory assures everybody that she is not, so Uncle tells Nephew to take the poor girl and put her somewhere where she can't bite anybody.

Amy and Rory come face to face with an Ood for the first time. The Doctor assures them that the Ood are one of the good guys.

The Doctor attempts to talk to Nephew, but his voice ball thing is broken. The Doctor asks if he can see if he might be able to fix it.

Auntie explains that they were all broken when they landed here and "House" repaired them (all of them) Houses are wont to do.

The Doctor fixes the speech ball, and suddenly they all here a bunch of voices crying out for help.

They are Time Lords. Ooopsies.

Nephew shuts off the signal, but not before the Doctor's curiosity is highly piqued.

Okay, maybe curiosity isn't the word. He can't explain to Rory what the voices were, because those voices shouldn't exist. I think the phrase we're looking for here is "Freaked Out".

He demands to know what else is on the planet. Auntie tells him that what he sees is what he gets...also the House. She directs Nephew to take Idris away. (Why is Idris the only one who has a name?)

The Doctor wants to know what this House is that she speaks of.

The World that they are standing on...that is the House.

Auntie offers to take them to meet House. Rory's about to ask how the heck that is possible, but the Doctor hush fingers him. He would love to meet the House.

Auntie and Uncle lead the way, which gives the Doctor enough time apart from them to explain to Rory and Amy that there is what sounds like a whole bunch of Time Lords nearby, and they're all in trouble.

Idris meanwhile, has been locked in a cage while Nephew stands guard over her. She's still trying to figure out what she is. It's a big sad word...or it will be sad.

Long Story short: House is a sentient asteroid.

They do everything with House: walk on him, breath his air and eat his food... "Smell His Armpits" Amy snarks.

Oh, but we're not going to dwell on that because things just got creepy as Auntie and Uncle get all slack and their voices go all deep as they speak in unison as the voice of the House:

They Do his bidding too apparently.

The Doctor explains further that house is a big "oogly" think inside an outer shell. House welcomes the travelers and lets it be known that he knows the Doctor is a Time Lord.

House explains that he's met a lot of people through the rift, and he repairs them all when they break.

The Doctor asks if there are Time Lords there at the moment. Suspiciously they are absent. House says that many a TARDIS has come to rest upon him, and the Doctor lets him know the bad news...

He's the last one.

The Doctor is still suspicious of those voices that came out of the Ood ball, as the House tells him what a kind people the Time Lords were. He offers them a place to rest upon his back.

Rory doesn't like the idea of staying in this place at all.

Are you kidding, Rory? Of Course you're going to be staying here. The mystery has not been solved yet, there's plenty more adventurin' to go!

Aunty gives the Doctor free reign to go look around the asteroid.

Well, Auntie has no sense of personal space either, as she declares that House loves Amy then rubs all over her face with those creepy hands.

In her cage, Idris is babbling and babbling and she doesn't know what she's saying or why.

She calls out for her "Thief"

Over here, Rory wants to blow this Popsicle stand as soon as the TARDIS is finished refueling.

The Doctor vetoes that idea. They aren't going anywhere until they find the missing Time Lords. Amy tries to point out that it can't really be possible, because he told her what he did.

The Doctor is desperate to save them though. If they are the good ones then they can be saved, and he can explain why he did what he had to do.

Amy astutely points out that maybe he just wants to be forgiven for what he's done.

He agrees.

This is enough to convince Amy. She asks what she can do to help and he sends her off to the TARDIS to retrieve his jacket and screwdriver. She's not the only astute companion in the room though. Rory points out the the Doctor is wearing his jacket.

His other jacket! duh. Before she goes, Amy warns the Doctor not to get emotional. she doesn't want him to make any mistakes.

She orders Rory to look after him.

As soon as she turns her back, the Doctor tells him to go look after Amy instead. I wonder who he's going to listen to.

Of course.

As soon as they're both in the TARIDS, it is enveloped by a green smoke.

Amy calls the Doctor up on the Mobile, and he tells her to have a good long look for the screwdriver and that Jacket...that don't exist.

Does this count as the Doctor's emotions leading him to make mistakes already? Because Amy and Rory going on this wild goose chase now means they are locked inside the TARDIS.

He concentrates on the sound of the voices and they lead him to this very tiny room where a bunch of fully grown Time Lords couldn't possibly fit.

Well now. No Time Lords in here, but there is an impressive selection of distress cubes.

Auntie and Uncle arrive on the scene.

He gets it now. It was all a trap.

It was House the wise one, Auntie says, but the Doctor isn't having that. He wonders how they've been repaired... They are a patchwork of different body parts.

If the Doctor wasn't completely irate before, then Auntie showing off her big arm with the Corsair's ouroboros tattoo is going to send him careening right over the edge.

Yep. That little speck of hope having been dashed, the Doctor yells at them that the better run, because this is an anger the likes of which have never been seen.

Before he goes, Uncle is going to point out the Doctor is too late and the House is too clever for him.

Speaking of an anger that has never been seen before, Amy's over here calling up the Doctor and she's pretty pissed off that he's lied to them just to get them out of the way.

the Doctor isn't listening to Amy though. He's come to a realization about something Idris said earlier. She knew that the boxes would make him angry.

Amy doesn't even get a chance to explain that the doors are locked before the Doctor runs away and leaves her hangin'

The Doctor storms in, demanding explanations, and Idris just thinks it's about time her thief has shown up.

An emotional Doctor that doesn't trust his closest allies? Amy thinks this is very bad news. Rory agrees when he sees the green light through the window.

An oblivious more than one still trying to figure out what Idris is.

she says that they put her in "Here" The Doctor thinks she's talking about this cage, but she's pointing at her head.

She's still having trouble with her words an can't think of what he calls her. She has to explain it like a game of Taboo an says that they travel together and then she makes the TARDIS noise.

The Doctor doesn't believe that, but she soon convinces him with a memory of their first meeting. She was in a museum and he said that she was the most beautiful thing he'd ever known the first time they touched.

And then they stole each other. He says borrowed. She explains the definition of borrowing and says that she has no intention of giving him back.

He finally believes her. Now how about that lock?

Outside of the cage, she wonders about what that big sad word she is, and if people are always "Bigger on the Inside"

The Doctor wonder's why they would want to put the TARDIS in a human.

That's not the point. Succinctly put: "House Eats TARDISs". It's something the TARDIS heard the Doctor say in the future.

How to explain this...

Um, the House transplants the TARDIS matrix into a living receptacle so that it may feed on the remaining energy in the Physical TARDIS. It cannot eat it with the matrix inside, nor can it just delete the matrix, because that would rip a hole in the universe.

The Doctor tries to warn Amy and Rory as soon as he realizes what's happening, but too bad they're locked in.

He can't get in. They are scared and stuck inside as the TARDIS dematerializes. What to do now?

The Doctor is at a loss. He takes a moment amidst the panic to be excited about this new and different feeling then smacks himself back into reality.

Rory tries to reassure Amy. They are safe in the TARDIS. Unfortunately House is there to correct that assumption.

They are in the TARDIS, that much is true. As for being safe...

House is into mind games it seems. It wants to know why it shouldn't just kill Amy and Rory where they stand.

Back on the Asteroid, the Doctor is trying to figure out why House took the TARDIS on a joy-ride instead of just chowing down on it.

Auntie and Uncle are no help, since they're trudging off to die. Seems the only thing keeping them alive was House.

Uncle is against it.

Seems like House has hijacked the TARDIS to go on an exploratory mission to find more TARDISs

The Doctor really means it when he said that his TARDIS is the last one though. House is going to be SOL.

Auntie's sure that House will think of something. And then, Like clockwork, she drops dead.

Uncle says he feels fine and dandy, but soon enough he drops dead too.

The Doctor is beside himself now that the only people with any inkling of what's going on have passed. Idris/TARDIS is there though, and she knows that they are where she landed in three minutes.

She does know all of space and time, y'know.

I really don't know whether or not to call her TARIDS or Idris anymore but...I guess we'll go with TARDIS now.

Speaking of which...apparently it's broken, just like Auntie and Uncle. She gets a pain in the side, the Doctor scans her and reveals that she is dying.

She knew it was inevitable though. You can't stuff a TARDIS matrix in a human body and expect it to live for long.

The Doctor is just frustrated that he has no idea what to do and he's stuck here in this junkyard.

Oh, but it's a TARDIS junkyard! Time to get to work!

Speaking of names...the Doctor finally asks if the TARDIS has one. The TARDIS is indignant that he's never asked before now.

she seems to be under the impression that her name is Sexy, because that's what the Doctor calls her. Only when they're alone, he points out.

the TARDIS slyly points out that they are alone, so he whisks "Sexy" away to help him enact his master rescue plan.

Meanwhile, in the House...House is excited about all his new rooms, and Rory tries to plead ignorance when he's reminded that they never answered House's question from earlier.

So, why shouldn't House kill you guys? Amy looks to Rory for an answer because she can't seem to think of one. It might not be such a good idea we'll come to find.

Rory doesn't even attempt to get House not to kill them at all, but instead goes straight to: Don't kill us quickly, because that wouldn't be any fun! How about a game of cat and mouse first?

Let us Entertain you, House!

House tells them to run...and here we go!

It's the TARDIS graveyard.

The Doctor is wondering if TARDIdris thinking what he's thinking. Well...she thinks she's looking at the corpses of her devoured sisters.

He wasn't thinking that, no. TARDIS does know what he's thinking though...that they are going to cobble together a working console out of spare bits. He doesn't care if it's impossible. AS long as he's still alive, he's going to figure out a way to get to Rory and Amy.

We see some of the inner workings of the TARDIS as Rory and Amy run through the corridors while House taunts them.

He is quite enjoying the sensation of them scrabbling around inside of him.

Which is creepy, yes.

Then Amy nearly falls down a hole.

Back on the Asteroid, the TARDIS is giving the Doctor instruction.

and they are both bickering at each other. She points out that he never reads the instructions and often behaves like a child.

He says she's not his mother.

Since we're airing our grievances here, the Doctor is now going to point out how unreliable the TARDIS is. She never gets him where he wants to go after all.

That's not the point. She has always taken him where he needed to go. This gives him pause, and suddenly the whole TARDIS being able to talk back thing doesn't seem so bad.

He thinks it would be great if they could always talk, even when she's inside the box. Alas, it doesn't work that way and she knows it. She's the one who gets them there, and he's the one who runs around adventurin'. That's just the way it works.

In the midst of this conversation, one of her kidneys fails. Time is running out!

SO they have to get moving on that console, because she's only got 18 minutes to live, the universe is about to end and Amy and Rory are being chased by a mad green gas.

The Doctor questions the safety of flying without a shell, but safe is relative in this situation.

In the House, Amy runs on through some doors and slow-poke Rory gets caught behind them.

Neither of them can get it open as they call for eachother, but Amy suddenly hears Rory from behind.

It's Rory, and he's just right around the corner from where the other door has closed.

What has been mere seconds for Amy has been hours for Rory apparently.

Amy leads the way again and has not learned her lesson about running ahead, because the same thing happens.

The TARDIS makes small talk while they build. She asks if the Doctor doesn't wonder why she chose him all those years ago.

The Doctor seems to be under the impression that he's the one who chose her, but the door was unlocked for a reason.

She wanted to see the Universe.

It is finished! The Doctor wonders what could go wrong as a doo-dad springs away from the console.

It wasn't important anyway. There's always a part left over, right?

Amy heads back around the corner again to see if Rory's there.

She completely passed him by. Not surprising since he's now an old man. An old man who has somehow survived without eating for years and years.

He's waited two-thousand years for her AGAIN. Okay, that's well past a human life-span, but the waves of guilt and resentment that Old Man Rory is throwing at her are enough to short circuit her logic centers and she apologizes profusely.

He comes after Amy and she jumps away as he cries out about how "They" come every night to hurt him. Who are "They?"

And we're through the doors again.

They're ready to go now over here.

This new console isn't pulling rift energy out of the atmosphere like the Doctor had hoped. TARDIS catches her squishy face in the mirror.

He's frustrated with the lack of power and the TARDIS checking herself out.

He thinks they've got nothing left, but there is one thing. It's the thing he's always had.

And we're off!

Around the corner again and Amy's faced with angry messages scrawled for her all over the walls.

And there is Rory, or there is skeleton is anyway.

Really? Fourth episode in a row where Rory is presumed Dead/fake dead/actually dead for a short period of time before being revived and now he's skeletorized?

Raise your hand if you think this is real life.

Nobody? Yeah. Me either.

Oh, well...Amy does anyway.

Amy apologizes profusely to the Skeleton while Rory rounds the corner completely oblivious to the mind fuckery his wife has been enduring these past few minutes.

Hug it out guys.

Rory explains that House is just messing with their minds.

Meanwhile, In SPACE!

the TARDIS has locked onto...the House.

The Doctor wants the TARDIS to send a message to Amy so that they can lower the shields and let their makeshift vehicle inside.

The TARDIS wants to know if Amy is the pretty one. Indeed. Send that psychic message away!

Well, Amy isn't the pretty one the TARDIS has in mind. *Internet High Five*, TARDIS. I'm totally in agreement with you.

They have to keep on trucking to one of the old control rooms the TARDIS directed Rory to since House is in the current one.

The Doctor wonders how it's possible for her to have consoles that he deleted still inside. She explains that she archived them. Even the future ones and now has about 30.

The Doctor's adamant that you can't archive something that hasn't happened yet. And you can't build a TARDIS out of spare parts either, but you see how that worked out, right?

The lights go out on Amy and Rory meanwhile.

A few feet away and the lights are fine and dandy for Rory.

Instead of like...staying with Amy or something like that, Rory decides to leave her there in the dark so he can go exploring around the corner.

He immediately gets clonked in the head.

She hears a voice calling out to her. It's Rory and he says he's okay and to make her way towards his voice.

It's not Rory though, because he's lying unconscious over here on the floor.

She reaches out her hand and comes in direct contact with Nephew's Oodles. (That is what I am calling their mouth tentacles from now on.)

This freaks Amy out, and Amy pops up from unconsciousness to drag her away.

We'll take a moment back over here for the Doctor to call the TARDIS sexy.

Rory and Amy have reached their destination, time for the TARDIS to psychically send Rory the passkey which is: Crimson, Eleven, Delight, petrichor

He says it out loud but the door remains shut. Amy's off to the side having an epiphany about petrichor.

She realizes why the TARDIS told them the meaning of the word earlier. So they could know what it was because the door lock is Telepathic. They have to think of the things, not say them.

Think it out Amy! Hurry, before nephew gets here.

Crimson, Eleven, Delight, Petrichor

They make it into the old control room, and the shields are lowered! I have no idea why I took a cap of this though. I believe it is Rory's hand.

The big ball of TARDIS is still hurtling through time and space.

House is not too pleased with this turn of events, but he's not especially worried. He's just disappointed that Rory and Amy couldn't join Nephew as his servants.

Unfortunately the door didn't lock again once they made it inside, and House gives Nephews orders to kill them. I guess House is done being entertained.

Psychic message incoming!

It's the TARDIS calling to tell Rory to get out of the way lest they be atomized by the incoming...TARDIS. Rory is exasperated because the TARDIS has no idea where they're going to land, so how can they get out of the way of that?

Thankfully, she doesn't materialize right on top of Rory and Amy.


Sorry to interrupt this happy reunion, but the TARDIS's Idris body is wearing down fast now.

The Doctor gets to introduce her to the gang though. Yes, guys...the crazy lady is the TARDIS.

And a Woman! Let's not forget that part. The TARDIS is a woman now.

Amy wonders if the Doctor made a wish for this to happen, and it's much funnier when she says it, so you should totally watch this episode.

The Doctor says it's not like that, so let the TARDIS take this moment to introduce herself with his favorite pet-name for her:


Well, House has been quiet this whole time, but I guess he's had enough now, because he orders Nephew to kill them all.

Unfortunately Nephew has been squashed like the Wicked Witch of the East. Oops!

All he is is dust in the wind...

Well, House wasn't expecting these uninvited guests, so he toys with ideas on how to murder them all now that Nephew is gone.

First he messes with Gravity, then he sucks the air out of the room.

The Idris body is definitely waning, and she whispers something to Rory. Over here the Doctor is making a deal with House. On his own, House can't get to the Universe, so he needs to keep the Doctor and Co. alive so that they can help.

Amy does not like the sound of that.

Over here the TARDIS is dying, but she has to hang on a little bit longer.

House gives his word that he will not kill them. The Doctor trusts him, and Amy does not believe this shit.

The Doctor tells House that he should activate subroutine 9 and delete some rooms so they can lose some weight and have enough thrust to get through the rift.

Well the suggestion of deleting rooms seems like a good idea to House. There's just one thing. He was totally kidding when he said he wasn't going to kill them.

Like a cyberman, he's going to delete this room with them in it. House says goodbye to this Time Lord. Him and his little humans too! Heeee hehehehehe! (that is my wicked witch laugh. Go with it.)

Everything fades to white and the TARDIS hurtles through the rift.

The current control room is empty.

But not for long. The TARDIS has a fail safe. All things living in a deleted room are automatically deposited in the main control room. Hah-Hah!

House just doesn't get that he should be quaking in his little green boots right now. He brags on killing tons of Time Lords.

But there's someone else in this room who has killed all of them. That's the one we should be afraid of right now.

Forshadowing stick incoming! Watch out!

The TARDIS is whispering things to Rory...about a forest. There is no forest in the here and now, but we all know how confusing tenses get around this girl.

In something I can only assume is the Doctor's grand master plan, he suddenly concedes defeat and gets everybody to give House a rousing standing ovation for a murderous job well done.

The Idris body has died.

House is all -whatever- about the whole thing and wants to know why the Doctor is goading him about sticking the TARDIS matrix in this human body that wasn't designed to hold it.

Well, House, you see... It was supposed to die somewhere far, far away from its home base here in the control room.

The matrix is expelled from Idris' body. She's back in her box where she belongs now and this town ain't big enough for the both of them.

And House is gone. Killed or just kicked out into the middle of nowhere space and time.

and the TARDIS makes one last appearance to talk to the Doctor in the form of Idris.

She has found the big, sad, complicated word she was looking for this whole time, and the word is "Alive".

The Doctor isn't of the opinion that Alive is sad, but he soon changes his mind with the TARDIS's explanation that it is when Alive is over.

They both know she'll always be around, but this when she had a voice and, yes. This makes the Doctor sad.

She has one thing more to say to him before she goes...and it's not goodbye like he thinks it is. It is "Hello".

He doesn't want her to go, but soon...

Later, the Doctor is tinkering with the whatzits.

He's installing a firewall!

Amy and Rory wonder why he can't make the TARDIS talk all the time, and he tries to explain it to them, but when Rory touches two wires together and causes some sparks..

He explains it as "Spacey-Wacey" instead.

Hey! Rory's not going to keep us in suspense as to what the TARDIS was whispering to him. He's actually going to ask for some guidance in the matter. What she said:

"The only water in the Forest is the River."

Well, it doesn't make sense yet, but it will.

In any case, Rory's bummed out because he's a nurse and he couldn't save Idris.

Amy thinks the Doctor/TARDIS are cute together. She ships it.

Now, moving right along: The Doctor needs to make Rory and Amy a new bedroom. Preferably without bunk-beds.

But Bunk-Beds are Cooool!

Rory Face-palms, and the Doctor gives in. They can have whatever kind of bed they like.

The Nose has one more very important burning question: Does the Doctor have a room?

There is no answer for this because Amy drags him away.

Later the Doctor attempts to talk to the TARDIS just in case, but there is no answer.

But he does give out instruction to head off wherever they need to go, and the TARDIS moves this lever on her own

So we know she's listening.


Holy hell, what IS that???

Somebody with an eyepatch makes another appearance.

Oh. It's "The Flesh". Fully programmable matter that is controlled by the humans!

Thanks for keeping us in suspense, promo!

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