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Gwen's Special Project

Torchwood
Series 1 Episode 9 * Random Shoes

Well, we're back to a dead body on in the middle of the road.

This episode starts out with Eugene's (that would be the dead guy) voice over telling us about the speed of light, and the speed of pain, and the speed of sneezing. The point of it is that life goes by in an instant.

Maybe Eugene Jones here isn't as dead as we'd like to believe.

Torchwood is on the Job! And Eugene seems to know them, but they're totally ignoring him. There is the pressing matter of this hit and run they're attending to here.

But the hit and run is Eugene, dead on the side of the road! What is going on pray tell.

Tosh apparently thinks Gene is some kind of total screw up, and is kind of unnecessarily snarky towards the poor guy. Give the dead man a break, Tosh!

Gwen wants to know what the hell Gene was doing out in the middle of nowhere without his manbag. This however, is a picture of Jack. How much you wanna bet that he doesn't know why the hell Gene was doing whatever the hell it is that he was doing?

Ah-hah! Apparently Gene was trying to show them some kind of important artifact and they were ignoring him. Gwen thinks possibly this is was a muuuurder. Jack isn't answering any of her thoughts at all at this point.

So what could this guy possibly have that would be important enough to kill for?

Gwen thinks maybe they should have been a little more sympathetic towards the guy. (Note to Gwen: Isn't that your job?) It's definitely not Tosh's because she's the opposite of sympathetic right now. She just thinks it's your ordinary traffic accident. Jack helpfully points out that it was a red car that done the deed. Dead Gene has got red paint under his nails.

And Ghost Gene realizes that he's a ghostlike being when he sticks his hand right through Tosh.

Ghost Gene wonders out loud if he's dead, but nobody is answering him. (It's because he is dead.)

Later Tosh answers Gene's phone which is lying on the ground. It's his mother, who launches into a description of how she just went to the store to buy tea-bags.

Tosh wants nothing to do with informing the family of the deceased, so she passes the phone off to Gwen without a word.

Eugene wonders what he did that got him dead in the first place. Apparently getting run over impairs your memory in the afterlife because he has no idea what happened.

He's very confused because somehow he has some kind of consciousness going on despite his body being dead...and surely his brain must be addled because he has complete confidence in Torchwood to figure out what is going on, so he sneaks into the SUV. Sneaking is a whole lot easier when nobody knows you're there.

Jack wonders if there are any clues on the phone...all there are is pictures of Random shoes.

Gwen is pretty sad about this whole dead Eugene business, but Eugene is surprisingly not fussed. Being dead got him into Torchwood. Apparently, getting into Torchwood is one of his major life goals. Too bad he had to die to get there.

Flashback to Schoolboy Gene! It's the final of some sort of maths competition. For some reason every single kid in this school thinks maths are totally awesome and they're all screaming their asses off and cheering for their team like it's a football match or something.

Eugene is supposed to be really good at maths, but the other team has clearly kicked his team's butts.

Apparently it's all Gene's fault that his team lost and Dad is all disappointed. (seriously, people...math?)

Oh, well, it matters to Gene, right? Poor kid. Now everybody at school blames him. (What kind of school is this, where everybody loves math? Okay, okay, I'll put my math prejudice away now.)

Mr. Biology teacher man senses that something is amiss with Gene, because he's sitting at his desk pouting after everybody has left, calling him "useless" on the way out to top it all off. He offers to show Gene his collection...

He relates the story of how he was golfing one day and some something fell right out of the sky next to him. This, naturally, piques Gene's interest.

It's an eye!

Gene doesn't look too impressed with it, even when teacher declares that it's amaaaazing! He gifts the eye to gene.

Teacher disappears and is replaced by Raging Dad of dooooom!

Dad and Mum have a screaming argument because Dad took all that time out of his busy working schedule to go see his son blow it in the Maths championship. Gene is more interested in the eye right now, because anything is better than having to listen to your parents scream about you while you're still in the same room.

Several hours later, Mum and Dad are still screaming, and Eugene has decided that the eye came from an alien.

And this is the night that Gene's dad leaves without a word of goodbye.

Gene thinks it's okay though, because he has the eye to worry about now. Surely the alien must come back and get this very important eye back?

Eugene spent his moments from then on contemplating the alien coming and claiming his eye...including lots of geeky things that involve calculations.

Eugene grew into a UFO enthusiast and a collector of weevils and bollocks and shit, then he discovered Torchwood, and Gwen Cooper. Here he is trying to get her attention. She says, hi! gotta go now! and as she goes so do Eugene's papers as the wind blows them out of his grasp.

Eugene is sad that he could quite grab their attention.

End flashback. Now that we feel horribly sad for Eugene, and kind of annoyed with Gwen, let's cut back to Eugene's mother and see what she thinks about her son being dead!

Yeah, she's pretty distraught. His tea is still on the stove waiting for him.

Eugene doesn't really want to stick around and watch his mother weep, so he goes upstairs to find Owen and Ianto ransacking his room.

Owen thinks this search is a pointless waste of time and that Eugene is silly.

Ianto spies the collection.

Gwen is downstairs trying a little grief counseling on Eugene's little brother here. Little bro doesn't really seem to be all that upset.

By the way, this kid is watching a documentary on Elephants. We also find out that the mother told the kids that dad works for a big corporation in America...

Owen comes to collect the Cooper.

Gwen spies some coinage in the collection and Eugene explains to her it's alien origins, so he thinks. She of course can't hear him.

Instead, she asks Ianto if they're Roman coins. As you know, Ianto is the worlds foremost leading expert on ancient currency, so when he shakes his head 'no', you believe him. Meanwhile, Owen is laughing at Gene's Rice Krispie rock.

Ahh, but Gwen spies the stand for the missing eye. When Mum walks into Eugene's room she's faced with an inquiry. Does she know what's missing?

She doesn't really care about that right now. She's too busy being angry about her son's careless death and, y'know, grieving and stuff.

On the way out Gwen offers sympathies.

And Gene promises his Mother that there has been some sort of mix up and Torchwood will figure it out because they're the best!

Later, Eugene is in awe of the hub, and Gwen is in full on bossing mode. She really wants to get to the whole bottom of this dead Eugene business. Owen doesn't care, he calls Eugene a geek.

Owen knows Gwen far too well, because he thinks she's only doing it because Eugene had a thing for her and now she feels guilty. She tells Owen to sod off.

Owen offers her the Autopsy if she's so darn concerned about it, because he's got paperwork to do that's far more interesting.

And since Gwen can't let Owen get to her, she's all, Okay, Doctor! Go do your paperwork, I'll slice and dice up poor old Gene. So there, Haha! Take that, Owen!

Meanwhile, Eugene is in heaven. Torchwood fanboy that he is.

He wanders into Cold Storage to find himself about to be autopsied by his favorite lady who doesn't really know what the hell she is doing.

Eugene faints away as he sees the scalpel come out, and Gwen's powers start mysteriously tingling.

So, go on then, Smarty Pants!...

Before Gwen can mangle Gene's corpse, Ianto appears and informs them that the authorities have a suspect in custody...a drunk driver.

Owen says that this is very sad, Eugene was a sweet guy. Now about that Y-incision?

Later, Eugene wakes up and finds Owen chowing down on an apple.

That isn't very exciting, so he goes to visit his mother who is weeping.

And back at Torchwood, Gwen is feeling really bad. She wonders if Gene offed himself.

No-Sympathy Tosh : It was a drunk driving accident. Nothing more, nothing less. No aliens, not our job. Jack wonders what is going on in Gwen's brain-space to make her ask such a question.

Gwen thinks there may be aliens though. She just Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeels that there is something more to it. Owen is so going to say something isn't he?

Yes. He thanks her for the Disney moment, now back to work? Where's the tea?

Gwen tries some passive aggressive guilt tripping on Owen. I mean, Eugene's just a strange local kid, and she's only an amateur...

Unlike certain bosses, Owen isn't going to put up with this shit. He points out that, yes, Oh, my god! The rest of them do have hearts and have human feelings, but somehow they manage to carry on with their jobs without getting all tangled in them.

Children! Behave!

Gwen tells them to forget it and pretends like she has already done so just because Owen snipped at her and Jack told them both to shut-up. (which secretly means she's going to do whatever the hell she wants to do anyway.)

Later, Owen is watching soap operas on TV.

Gwen catches him at it, and it turns out it's one of Eugene's movies. Something he rented from a video store. Gwen chides Owen for trying to steal it.

Gwen offers to take it back. And speaking of stealing things, she nicks Gene's phone from his personal effects and tells Owen she's off for some lunch.

Later she finds herself at a restaurant across from the video show where Gene got his DVD.

And there's Eugene! He'd left Torchwood heaven to go back home and now he's very surprised and happy to see Gwen on his turf.

She asks this employee if he knows Eugene Jones. He says no.

This distresses Ghost Gene because he's a regular. Two eggs, ham, and chips....and then Gwen orders Two eggs, ham, and chips.

Gene thinks this turn of events is totally weird because he used to follow Gwen and now she's following him.

She takes a peep at the random shoes.

Eugene tells her that he can't remember what happened, and he doesn't know who the shoes belong to either. Except for Gary....

Eugene tells her to phone Gary...and she does. Ooo, eerie.

Gene loves the Ham and chips.

We have arrived to return the DVD. Say hello to the skeevy video store clerk! Hi!

He tries to flirt with Gwen, but she's all, 'no thanks'.

She has come to return Dead Gene's DVDs.

He remembers Eugene as a dreamer. Used to come in with a mate.

He's trying to think of a word to describe Eugene. Ghost Gene thinks irrisistable is accurate. Skeevy video store clerk comes up with Ordinary

It's too bad. He was a sweet guy. 34£, then. Neither Gwen or Euegene can believe he's still going to charge her. He says he can't bend the rules.

He wonders if Gene offed himself too. Why do people keep thinking that?

I think Ghost Gene is wondering the same thing as Skeevy waxes philosophical about people coming into the video store wanting him to transport them via digital media into more exciting lives that are not their own.

He tries another come on with Gwen, wants to know if he can transport her anywhere, but she's not having it.

How about him? He's so outta Wales and moving to London pretty soon. (Which secretly means he's going to be a video store clerk in Wales forever.)

To top it all off, he calls Eugene a big fat loser. He thinks maybe Gene couldn't live with his failure. And Eugene? Well, I don't think he'd even considered his life a failure at all.

...But NOW his voice-over is certainly considering it as he heads to...somewhere with Gwen. He was only waiting for the alien to come and change his life, that's all.

Turns out, While Eugene was biding his time, he was working as a telemarketer in a cube farm.

And While Gwen is scoping out random shoes to see if they match up, Eugene is wondering how he can remember every boring detail about his telemarketing job, and yet nothing about how he died.

Gwen finds Gary.

He says that he didn't see Eugene the day he died.

Turns out the office has got a "Good Luck on your new job" card for his Mum instead of a "sorry for your loss" card. (Poll: A "Get Well Soon Card" would have been funnier? Yes? No?)

This red head stops Gwen and wants to know if it's indeed true, what happened to Eugene.

This is Linda, and she's pretty upset.

She makes a lunchtime date with Gwen so they can chat, because she's shagging the boss and she can't talk about it. The cube farm has ears.

Then Gwen goes to scope out Gary's cube.

Gwen finds a clue. It's a brochure like one they found back at Eugene's room. Owen is calling her on the phone, because, y'know, the boss wants to know where the hell she is, since she's supposed to have forgotten about this case and gone back to work by now.

Later... So here's the story: Eugene was feeling depressed one day and so was Linda here, because of her boss/boyfriend was being a jerk apparently. She didn't know why Gene was down, but she said she needed to get away to like, Australia or something. Eugene tells her to just do it! And offers to pay, because you can't just sit around waiting for something that is never going to happen. I guess he got sick and tired of waiting for his alien.

Gwen's phone rings and she's really not interested in Jack having a go at her right now, because she's hot on the trail...the "What the heck happened to Eugene trail." Linda explains that Eugene was going to sell his alien artifact.

Flashback! Gene shows off the eye around work.

His "friends" think that he's stupid.

So Gene put the eye up on e-bay and it sat there for a while, but eventually

...a bidding war! It just kept going up and up and up.

Oh, my gosh! 15K!

Nobody knows who bought it though.

Linda wants to know if it's all her fault...Gwen tries to console her, but her phone rings again. This time she picks up. Turns out it's not Jack at all. It's Mrs. Jones. Eugene's Mum.

The very important thing that Gwen had to jet off to check out was the video of Eugene's ill fated participation in that Math's tournament Oh, so long ago.

Dad is narrating his disappointment to the camera and making everybody feel bad all over again in his absence twenty years later.

Terry here makes an appearance, and he's reached the angry stage of his grief now. He talks about the night dad left...How does this kid even know about that? He must have been a baby when that happened.

Well, he knows because Eugene always told him that dad left when he discovered that his eldest son was a failure.

Mum tries to keep the lie going that dad left because of his job.

Oh, wait. Nope, Terry is done pretending for Mum's benefit now. They knew Dad doesn't work for some big corporation in America. Eugene found out before he died that dad works at some Garage in the area. He's not even a mechanic, he's the night cashier.

And Eugene remembers where he sold the eye.

Eugene voices over about how life is one big disappointment after another. He grew up believing that dad was some big important business man in America when all the time he was workin' the register at a garage down the street. Eugene couldn't even work up the nerve to face him when he found out. Because of this horrible disappointment, Eugene ceased to believe in everything he had ever believed int. Including the eye. That's why he sold it.

She's about to go out and talk to dad, but Eugene stops her. I mean, she feels Eugene telling her to stop, because he's so over. Apparently her powers have bonded him to her psychicly or something, because it's like she can hear him even though she can't really.

Because he says that he's sorry. He doesn't want anything to do with dad, even in death.

And Gwen says it's okay.

Later at the hub: Caught Red Handed!! Jack wants to know why she turned her phone off.

It was Eugene. His father left, and he didn't understand...he just needs some help. Don't you get it, Jack?

Jack does not. Because he has no heart. Also, what could a dead man need help with anyway?

Well, Gwen can't think of a good enough answer, and just "feeling" didn't really work on him earlier...Jack decides that he's got more important things to get back to now.

In a last ditch ever to snag Jack's interest in this case, she mentions the alien eye and what it sold for on Ebay.

A Dogon Sixth Eye? Jack has another random epiphany...or maybe he thinks that because there was a trade in Dogon Sixth eyes. So who's got it?

Gwen doesn't know, but she's almost there! All she needs is time! So What's a Sixth eye anyway.

It's the one in the back. I love Jack's ever so helpful explanations for things. He actually goes on to further explain that it lets you see the past.

Gwen insists that she'll be able to track down the eye.

Jack gives her the weekend, as long as she keeps her phone on. Also, he's wearing stripes. What is up with that?

Since Eugene is a guy, he naturally thinks Gwen is brilliant.

Gwen whips out the brochure to Astronomy convention at the Natural History Museum. Guess where we're off to now?

Gene makes invisible eyes at Gwen. He was going to go to the lecture with Gary, but this is soooo much better.

Up at the exhibit hall, Gwen finds Gary, and he hauls ass away from her.

Gwen doesn't go after him, but then, he doesn't get very far. He pretty much turns around immediately and confesses.

Gary was raising the bid on the Eye! Just to cheer up Gene.

Flash back to one morning...Eugene is convinced the alien has come back to claim his eye. Of course, Gary is dubious.

Oh, but then it jumped to 15,000. Or 15,005.50 as it were. Gary get's a little jump when Gwen brings up the 5.50.

Gwen checks the shoes again then Questions Gary about seeing Eugene on the day he died. Eugene remembers getting an E'mail from the alien eye guy.

Gwen tries to ascertain where Gene went to meet this guy to exchange the eye. Gary acts shiftily. Eugene was secretive.

Gwen wants to know who else was in on it. She's got their shoes on camera.

They're just random shoes. Gary says that he misses Eugene.

Later, Gwen is staring at the shoes, trying to figure out what it all means.

Ghost Gene is trying his best to help Gwen out as he remembers what happened. There was a door...something about shiny happiness...

Gwen finds a clue in Gene's personal effects.

Eugene has a sudden epiphany that if Gwen finds out what happens, then they won't get to hang out together anymore. He confesses that he loves her.

Gwen can, of course, sense this otherworldly love confession.

She goes over to Gene. In real life vision it only looks like she's looking out the window, but with Ghost Gene there...and he really, really wants to kiss her.

Later Gwen and Ghost Gene wake up together.

Gene remembers some more. Gwen spots a pair of mystery shoes. They belong to the waitress of the restaurant where Eugene went to meet the eye buyer.

Flashback to the day Eugene died. The people who bought the eye? Well here they are. Gary, and Skeevy.

Eugene goes over to say hi, and he still doesn't get it. He thinks the Alien is going to be there.

We're the alien, says Skeevy.

Eugene still doesn't get it.

Haha! It was a joke! Funny, right?

Skeevy thinks it's funny that Eugene believes in aliens.

Euegne doesn't believe these two would bit a whole 15,000 on an eye they didn't even believe in. Well, they wouldn't. Somebody else did that. They would bet 15,005.50 though.

Gary blames it on Skeevy, who got greedy. Skeevy tells him to shut the fuck up.

So, where's my 15K? Right on, Eugene!

Skeevy doesn't think he has to pay. He's got £34

That's nothing to sneeze at says Gary. Nothing to sneeze at? A real bidder, really bid £15,000 ! Screw your £34! I'll be indignant for Eugene.

Eugene snaps the random shoes as the waitress brings his banana milkshake.

Well, they may think Eugene is a big fat loser, but he's not stupid. He realizes that his friends are trying to steal the eye from him so that they can be the ones to sell it on E-bay for a cool 15,000. Skeevy confirms this, and then they go wrestling around the floor of the restaurant for the eye.

The waitress retells the story.

In order to keep it away from his pals, Eugene swallows the eye!

Somehow they think banana milkshake and the Heimlich is going going to get the eye out of Gene's gullet.

That's not acceptable behavior in a Happy Cook! But the way this girl pronounces Cook, it totally sounds like something else. Aaanyway...

Eugene ran away that day...and then she spies Gary and Skeevy.

apparently Skeevy's name is Joshua. Anyway, they have come to warn the waitress not to say anything to Gwen.

Gary spots Gwen peeping around the corner.

Hiya there, Gwen!

Skeevy Josh tries to run, but Gary trips him up. Why? Because Eugene was his friend, and he misses him.

Ghost Gene looks out the window while Gwen gets the whole scoop. After Skeevy tried to get the eye Eugene ran away and...they chased him.

They lost him when he crossed the road.

Okay then, says Gwen. She gets on the phone to the base. Looks like it was just a senseless road accident after all.

Okay, wait. No. She's not calling in to work to tell them she has solved the mysterious mystery. She's phoning Gene's dad. Gene is going on and on about the people driving in the cars.

Eugene remembers now. He remembers running.

Right out into the middle of the road where he STOPS just in time to get run over by a drunk driver.

Eugene doesn't feel bad about all that happened though. He was glad the eye gave him a chance to go back on his life and see it for what it was. He's going to miss Gary.

He's a little bummed about the turn-out, but what can you do?

Eugene wishes he could thank Gwen.

Even dad is there.

Mum gives her Eulogy through tears.

Dad looks over at the son he never got to know at all. The one full of all the resentment, who watches elephant documentaries.

Mum can't even speak, so it's dad's turn now. Eugene voice overs that he understands that it wasn't his fault that Dad left. Dad's only human.

He was a good boy, says dad. Dad laments not being there and wishes he could have seen Eugene before he died. Then he breaks out into "Oh, Danny Boy." And then I cry.

And Eugene watches on.

They lower Eugene down and Ghost Gene doesn't like it. He's not ready to go yet.

Eugene's voice over thinks it's a terrible thing that Dad made a mess of things and left, because they missed each other.

Eugene talks maths to Gwen while she's outside at the cemetery waiting for the eye. Turns out Eugene was 28 when he died.

Eugene realizes that he's probably going to have to go soon, and Gwen frets away. To make her feel better Eugene tells us the speed of a lone lobster.

She gets the eye from this dude.

Later, Eugene wonders why the heck he's still there if he no longer has the eye with him.

As if she heard what Eugene's voice over just said, Gwen says out loud, to Eugene that the eye is no longer inside him so is he...she gets interrupted by the Torchmobile driving up though.

Gwen shows the guys the eye, and at least Jack is impressed. Like with the rest of t his case, Tosh doesn't seem to be interested at all.

Gwen wants five minutes to talk to Eugene's family as she sees dad pull up to the curb.

Well, at least some good will come out of this episode. Dad missed his chance with Eugene, but now he has a chance to get to know Terry. Eugene's voice over is giving us our lifetime stats...how much saliva we produce in our lifetime, how many heartbeats...

Oh, look, a big SUV has just come careening around the corner.

and Gwen is just ambling out in the middle of the road right in its path. Eugene is the only one close enough to get to her oblivious ass in time, but he's a ghost?

Now wait a damn minute. What the hell?

The eye rolls away to the gutter.

Holy crap!? Eugene?

The rest of the team is also completely perplexed as to this inexplicable turn of events.

Eugene wonders if Dad can see him...he can.

Gwen and Eugene give each other thanks.

Well, this looks an awful lot like what happened the last time somebody saved her life. When was that? Day One? I think this is just Gwen's way of saying thank you to any and all reasonably attractive men.

Eugene picks up the eye and hands it to Gwen.

Then he says goodbye and heads off into the light.

Again, the team is bamboozled. What? No Darkness?

Gwen begs Eugene to stay, as if he has a choice in the matter. He's already been buried.

And team Torchwood watch him go. Gwen grabs Jack's hand while Eugene voice overs about what life is made of. The ordinary and the amazing, and random shoes. The short of it is that Life goes by in an instant and you've got to take the bull by the horns because once it's gone...

(Unless You're Jack Harkness.)

Next Time