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No We're Never Gonna Survive, Unless We Get a Little Bit Crazy PART 2

Suzie just wanted to talk to someone!

She could always do what Gwen did....

Suzie just wanted to talk, and Max was a good listener. Jack accuses her of Overdosing him...but how was she supposed to know? It's not like they did any clinical testing of this Retcon shiz.

Suzie wants to know if they brought her back just to heap some abuse on her. However, this is a picture of Jack, and he's not into all these mind games...just tell him Max's last name.

Suzie chants the Torchwood mantra of "I don't know"

And then she's like, Whaaaaa, it's all my fault, I can't do anything right. Whaaaaaa!

Whatever, lady.

Jack warned her. Torchwood is the one job you can never quit!

Clearly, Gwen did not get the memo.

Well, then. Let's stop this yammering and get to work! Max, Max, Max? Let's do it, gang!

Suzie is inspired to look at the pictures by Jack's pep talk about the good old days!

There's a missing photo! Some blonde chick called Lucy McKensie. Who works at a club.

A club you say?

Suzie collapses and Jack urges her on with his angry face and demanding voice.

Max is killing all the Pilgrims! Don't give up now, Suzie!

Wolf Bar! Gwen Springs into action, while Jack looks distressed.

Tosh is watching the wolf bar cam, courtesy of Owen and Gwen, who are scouting the place out. Suzie now has some spiffy headgear in place to hide the gaping wound in her noggin.

Gwen doesn't like this place one bit. It's loud and she has a headache! Say hi to Mr. Foreshadowing, people.

Suzie passes it off as a side effect of the glove...which I guess it is.

Gwen tells Suzie to shut-up with the creepiness.

Jack reminds us of what Max is supposed to look like.

Meanwhile, Suzie wonders how on Earth she has gotten on Tosh's bad side.

Tosh reminds Suzie that she murders people.

She continues: Who the heck cares if the job drives you to maddness? You don't kill people because of it...and guess what Suzie, you have dishonored the Torchwood.

Owen spots a Max-Candidate!

We've got a match on Lucy too!

Our "Max" here heads over to Lucy, so Owen has to take action. He grabs the dude...but turns out it's not Max after all!

Maybe it's this dude who's about to whack Gwen in the back of the head.

That kid in the middle thinks this is waaaay awesome, by the way.

In honour of Ianto and his Mad Rhyming Skillz, Jack has stun gunned the bad guy.

Gwen reconsiders hating on Suzie. She tried to kill her once, but now she's saved her life.

Later Owen and Jack question Max.

But Max isn't saying a word.

But when Owen says Torchwood, Max goes bonkers and bangs on the glass.

Only for ten seconds though. If this is a retcon induced psychosis, it's very specifc, says Owen.

So he reacts to the word....Torchwood? Jack pretends to need clarification on the matter, but secretly just finds it totally hilarioius.

Jack's pretty sure it's naught to do with Retcon, otherwise they've got a serious problem...but Owen, he's concerned about Suzie. What the hell are they going to do with that dead psycho?

Jack has one phrase that fits the question. I'll give you a hint: It begins with the leter "I" and ends with "Havenoidea"

I know! They should freeze her!

Anyway, he asks Owen's opinion.

You're the boss, says Owen.

Jack nods gravely. Yes. He is the boss. He still doesn't know what to do with her.

To get back at Owen for trying to make him take responsibility, Jack says "Torchwood" one last time, so Max will go crazy again.

Gwen and Suzie are having a little heart to heart in the interogation room. All poor Suzie wants to do is visit her dear old dad! Why does Jack have to be such a hard ass about it?

Gwen offers to bring him in, but Suzie doesn't want him anywhere near Torchwood.

Suzie tells us her sob story...dad has cancer. This makes Gwen feel really bad.

Gwen offers to call him up for her. Suzie thinks that is a stupid idea because what's Gwen going to say to her dad?

They sit in awkward silence for a while

Small talk time! So, how you enjoying Torchwood, Gwen?

It's all good, says Gwen. Then she and Suzie bond over how crazy Torchwood is. Haha! The best and worst Job ever.

Suzie waxes on about how she thought she was irreplaceable.

She done been replaced.

By someone better:

Gwen got the glove to work better than Suzie.
Everybody likes Gwen Better.

Gwen took over Suzie's job almost like it was planned!

Of course, Gwen thinks the glove was merely luck, Nobody likes her better, and she totally didn't plan on getting hired. She's got her own job to do which is far more important: The caring carer who cares.

That's nice. So, are you bangin' Owen yet?

Gwen so does not want to answer this question...but by not answering, she does anyway.

Turns out so was Suzie, Gwen has replaced her in every way. (Seriously, Owen?)

Later, Jack is reading a memo in a very contemplative manner as only Jack can when Gwen bursts into his office.

Jack can see Gwen's righteous hater-ade coming from about a mile away and before she can even say a word he tries to deflect her by telling her about this guy he knew who made made these grand entrances...

He only put up with it because...he was half of an acrobatic twin duo. Understandable. So why does he put up with Gwen exactly?

Gwen is pacing back and forth through the office like a whildcat while Jack talks about writing, and possibly illustrating his life story. (make it a pop-up book, then I'll be interested.)

Anyway, Gwen says it takes her a while to figure things out. (we know.) Jack wonders what the hell she is even talking about.

Gwen is now going to blame Jack for putting batshit crazy insane Suzie in charge of the glove without ever getting to know her on a personal level. I mean, did he even ask about her father?

Jack does not even comprehend the question because why would he do such a thing?

Gwen lets him in on the whole cancer, and dying thing. And he went and gave his daughter a glove that brings people back to life! See. All your fault, Harkness.

You hired her.

And just in case you're wondering if I'm making shit up: Jack asks if Gwen thinks it's his fault, and she says: "Isn't it?"

Just throw it on the pile with the rest of the guilt. The more the merrier!

Gwen asks if he even thought about Suzie when he gave her that glove. Y'know, because he's a callous, unfeeling, bastard with no heart. Remember?

Right. I think Jack's had enough of this now, he's going to yell at her.. He reminds Gwen that she blamed herself for Suzie's death in the first place, then brought her all the way back to life because she wanted it so much.

Oh, but he's not going to lay the blame directly at Gwen's feet. It's both thier fault. So there!

Jack now asks Gwen for advice on what to do with Suzie, since Owen was so helpful earlier. She's no help either.

In fact, Gwen is even more helpful, because she contemplates what would happen if Suzie never dies. Has Jack even considered that. Note: It was not his idea to start resurecting shit. (this time)

Just Jack and Suzie forever and ever! Jack does not like this idea at all. Not because he doesn't like Suzie, but because being undying really sucks. He'd rather kill her right now.

Gwen doesn't think he has the balls.

Oh yeah. He insists that he does.

Owen interrupts this eyeballing session to call Jack over to the conference room.

There's something up with Suzie and Gwen's medical records apparently.

Here you can see the Glove in action, working on Mark Brisco. Look, it's like a rope, connecting her heart to the...yeah.

???

Turns out, unlike Mark Brisco, Suzie has a permanent connection to the heart of Torchwood, and it's slowly draining the life out of Gwen.

Gwen brings Suzie coffee, and Suzie wonders if that's what she does all day. Just leave Suzie alone!

Gwen tells her to have a buscuit.

Because there is a secret Busicuit note underneath. Gwen, Gwen, Gwen, what are you doing, woman?

Back in the conference room everyone is recapping what they just talked about: The wearer of the glove can bring somebody back to life at the cost of their own life!

Tosh wants to know how they stop such a thing from happening.

Gotta kill Suzie.

Owen wants to know who gets the honor of such a task.

Since he's the boss, it's time for Jack to put his money where his mouth is.

But where, pray tell, is Suzie hiding? and GWEN? Jack calls Tosh on the intercom thingie to ask.

Tosh thinks they're still in interrogation.

There they are!

The rest of the gang, meanwhile, have no clue. She's not with the SUV, and she's not inside.

There she is! Owen wonders what she is up to. Jack says she's getting herself fired, but we know how true that is.

They're about to go after them, when the hub goes dark and all the doors lock. Jack calls for Ianto, because clearly he knows what the hell is going on.

Ianto employs his favourit use of a Torchwood Torchlight: Phallic Symbol.

Anyway, What happened Ianto?

Ianto has no clue. He thought the Captain did it. By the way...this is a lockdown.

Well, reverse it, all powerful butler-man! Jack tries to walk athoritatively away, but Ianto kind of laughs at him and tells him he can't because it's a friggin LOCKDOWN and his super power doesn't work in this situation. (but nicer than that)

So let's check in on the Cooper-mobile! Gwen tells Suzie that she's taking Suzie to see dear old dad.

Gwen knows that Jack will catch her and boy, when he does, he is going to forgive her gooood. Anyway, Suzie says that maybe they'll get lucky. What with the team coincidentally locked in the hub.

Gwen only has two hours to live!

Tosh gets her thinking cap on. Suzie must have triggered the lockdown somehow, she took out all the computers and the phone networks too!...

But HOW!?

Somehow, Jack comes up with the brilliant idea that maybe it has something to do with Max here down in the cells, and bingo! Max is chanting Emily Dickinson Poetry. (This is where it starts to get totally flipping insane. Everything is FAR too coincidental for my liking)

See it's a verbal trigger.

Suzie must have installed it back when she was alive! She planned the whole thing!!!!

The Plan: Suzie dies : Max becomes a timebomb : He doesn't see her for three months : Goes on a murder Spree : Leads to Suzie's resurection : Get's Captured and put in the hub : Triggers Lockdown...

Yeah right. Moving on.

In the car, Suzie is bitching about Jack making judgements on if she can live or not, since she just remembered that she shot him to death and he lived, so what's his problem with her undeadness?

Gwen isn't looking too hot. Suzie wants to know if she's ever wondered who Jack really is. I don't think you really need me to recap her answer to that question.

While everybody else is standing around pondering Suzie's totally impossible plan that should never have worked in a zillion years...Ianto has gotten reception on his phone.

Jack's all, how did you do that???! Ianto just used the water tower as a relay. See. Easy.

Good Job, Ianto!

But who do we call?

It's detective Swanson! She doesn't seem to be too pleased to hear from Torchwood. She wants to know why they don't just do it themselves since they're so full of awesome.

Jack valiantly tries to dance around the fact that they've gotten locked in their own base.

Swanson thinks this is highly amusing...and yet, wonders how the hell they managed to do it.

So how's she supposed to help? Jack says they need a book of poetry. Also, It's not funny, Swanson! (Yes. It is.)

Gwen thinks she is tired because she's driving late at night without any sleep.

Suzie reminices about the song that is on the radio. Gwen doesn't know it, but Suzie does...because it's ancient like she is. Her Mum used to sing it to her when she was just a wee babe. This makes her start weeping.

How awkward. Gwen is so tired that she can barely muster up any empathy.

Meanwhile, over at the police station, the detectives are engaging in a healthy dose of shadenfreude. Swanson here, is making Jack retell the tale of Torchwood's entrapment...on speakerphone.

Hahahaha! Way to go, Skills!

Back in the hub of Doooom, where Tosh and Owen are sufficiently humiliated, Jack has finally had enough...because Gwen is in danger, and it's not funny, darnit! (but it is.)

Swansons got Emiliy Dickinson's book of poems, and Jack wants to know what it says... Swanson doesn't know what she's supposed to be reading here though, there's a lot of words to Choose from.

How about the verse after the one Max was repeating?

And if that doesn't work...the whole thing. Yes, that's right. Swanson knows she's in for a long night.

Back in the sedan of Dooooom! Gwen is insiting that she is fine, even though she looks like hell.

Suzie makes about joke about a corpse and Gwen tries to console her, because Suzie is aliiiive! She shouldn't be calling herself a corpse. Suzie wonders what she is, if not a walking corpse?

Gwen has deffinitely be learning from her mentor, because she doesn't know what to call Suzie.

So what do you talk about when you've got a dead person in the car? Being dead of course! Gwen asks what it's like.

Suzie isn't sure that Gwen really wants to truth. She's our Gwen though, and she does, even though she'll hate it when she hears it. The short of it is, so I can spare you many zillions of caps of Suzie and Gwen in a dimly lit vehicle...Nothing.

Gwen believes in white light and dead relatives reuiniting, and stuff, even though she's only religious in passing, so this revelation is surely a disappointment.

Gwen wants to know what's the point of living if there's nothing?

It is what it is. There is no point, as such.

Now that Suzie is going on about how they're all animals running on instinct...even the aliens, I think Gwen is starting to get a sense that she's not all there.

Gwen needs some clarification on the whole, Nothing issue. It's just darkness, says Suzie.

And you're all alone?

Well, Suzie didn't say that. There's something out there...moving in that darkness.

Meanwhile, back at the hub, Jack is reading lines of poetry as Swanson reads them out and it's just about as ineffective as you would expect.

Wait! Tosh has a brilliant idea! Since clearly this is not working! If words caused the lock-down maybe numbers...How about the ISBN???

Jack reminds Tosh that the Keeyboards are down, and Tosh says that the membranes underneath might still work...(Don't worry, none of this makes any sense.)

It worked!!! Yay!

Job well done, detective!

Tosh is back at the hub doling out directions to the hospital where Gwen has finally arrived. Clearly he is distressed at the thought of his heart perishing, because then...well he would be heartless again.

They've only got 40 minutes!

Hey! Swanson is still here, she's going to clear the roads for Jack because he is going to haul ass to get to Gwen.

Hey, it's dear old dad!

Gwen is in the corner with a splitting headache that has her doubled over in pain.

Also, she's bleeding. Would anybody care to explain what the hell is going on here?

Suze explains that Gwen is slowly being shot through the head...and Suzie, well, she's healing up nicely for a dead body.

So much for Gwen. How about dear old dad here? Happy reunion time? She demands her father's attention.

And yanks the breathing tube right out of his mouth. So much for dear old dad.

Why, Gwen asks...Why!!!?

We'll never learn what dad did, but Suzie is convinced that he deserved this. It was worth all the trouble, coming back from the darkness.

Now Gwen is the one in the wheel chair, incapacitated by her ever worsening head wound.

And Dad flatlines.

Tosh works furriously to get Suzie's destination location over to Jack and Owen.

Hell, there's already a zillion caps in this one, so have one more, will you.

Suzie calls up Jack so she can do a villionous monologe at him. Did he like the poetry she asks.

Jack tries to convince her not to let Gwen die, because the glove is slowly killing her and stuff...

But Crazy ass Suzie already knew that didn't she? Why would she want to go back to being dead?

For Gwen's sake! I somehow doubt that's going to convince her.

Suzie doesn't even like Miss Replacement of the Year.

Jack promises to kill her her when they catch up.

Suzie doesn't think Jack has the balls to do it either. Especially when she has at least a part of Gwen Cooper now in her.

Jack wants to know why Suzie has gone totally insane, and it's because life is all there is. Jack should know since Suzie knows that he can't die now.

A shot of Gwen dieing.

Suzie lets us know how awesome and better Gwen is. I mean, because defying your boss and getting yourself killed should totally get a gold star for the day.

Tosh is registering the sea! Ummm....I mean Tosh determines that Suzie is heading for the coastline.

Time Check! Gwen has minutes to live.

Minutes later Suzie and Gwen arrive at the pier where it is now daytime after having just been the pitch black of night. Suzie wants to run away with Gwen happily ever after.

Gwen can't even make it to the ferry, she's too far gone. Suzie apologizes, and gets all 'poor, poor, Gwen,' about the situation. This lady is mental, but I guess the darkness will do that to you. She wishes Gwen a safe journey and runs towards the ferry.

Jack and Owen have arrived and they take off after Suzie. I won't be able to capture this moment, but Jack totally jumps over Gwen's body.

...and pulls a gun on Suzie. He wants her to let Gwen go.

But she can't.

Owen thinks it's too late for Gwen.

So, since Suzie has all the answers and Jack has none of them, he asks her if she dies...does Gwen live?

Suzie taunts the man with the gun. She doesn't think he can do it if she's the only thing left of Gwen.

He doesn't see it at all. haha! I told you last time, he's not that nice.

So that worked right? The crazy ass ISBN number thing worked, so this must've... Nope. Owen's got nothin'.

Oh, see, Jack thinks he broke the connection, but he didn't.

Jack's all, 'I killed you!' and now he knows how bad guys feel when they try to kill him all the time.

Suzie laughs maniacaly. She can't die! That's an even better result than she imagined.

Jack shoots her some more for good measure, but Gwen is still pretty dead looking.

Jack doesn't care that she's not going to die. He's just going to keep shooting her ass anyway.

Hahaha! She could do this all day! She blames this whole fiasco on Jack just for recruiting her in the first place!

Ah, hell, another one for the pile.

Apparently guilt spurs on the best epiphanys. Jack stumbles upon the brilliant idea of destroying the glove...something they could have done while locked in the hub.

Tosh and Ianto spring into action. Code five!

Jack shoots Suzie some more, and she giggles, and recites Walt Whitman poetry at him.

Jack cannot believe this shit.

Suzie has a secret for you, Jack.

There's something moving in the dark, and it's coming for Jack!

Tosh takes aim!

So long, Risen Mitten!

Gwen gasps awake and Suzie dies.

Jack looks from Suzie to Gwen and back again...I guess somebody called the cops, what with all the shooting and whatnot, so they have just arrived.

Owen cradles Gwen in his arms.

Jack looks off into the distance.

Gwen gasps for air.

The end....of Suzie.

Back at the hub, Gwen is feeling much better, and chatting it up with Tosh and Owen. She catches Jack's eye...he catches hers.

Later, in the morgue, Jack finds Ianto cataloging Suzie and putting her ass back in her drawer where it belongs.

Jack thanks him for putting her away, and he says it's all part of the job.

Of course Jack feels he should be doing it. Then he gets all depressed about the bodies filling up the morgue and says that they're going to run out of space one day.

Ianto thinks before speaking...I mean, he's used to the being the buzzkill around here, now he has to employ the powers of cheering-uping?

He's got a stopwatch, Jack! And he knows how to use it!

Either Ianto is very bad at innuendo, or he's very, very good at it, because the captain of the innuendo squad has no idea what the hell he is talking about.