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Mix - O - Rama 2007 »
Torchwood
Season 1 Episode 4
Cyberwoman
Back by Popular Demand. It has been requested that I go back and make captions for all of season one, so here I am. With two seasons worth of Spin. I'm not even going to pretend that this recap covers only my first viewing of this episode ever. So Big fat Giant Organic Spoilers all the way up to 2 x 12. Heed this warning, and no bitching. Like anybody reads this shiz anyway.
So what do you Suppose the title of this episode and Ianto have in common? Hmmm? If this were your first watching the "What in the hell?" warning bells would have started going off right now, because how much screen time has Ianto had so far?
The team is enjoying a little exercise, namely a game of basketball. Owen has taken to the catwalk in a thoroughly illegal maneuver.
Ianto waits behind bars for them to finish.
Jack shrugs. How can you beat a couple of cheaters. (Gwen and Owen, ahem.)
Jack and Tosh complain about Owen's illegal moves and Owen Losers Jack.
Yeah, Yeah, I know it's blurry, but just so you know Jack 'whatevers' Owen in retaliation. Because Owen is 12 and Jack is a Valley girl.
And as they all head off for drinks Jack tosses the Basketball at Ianto without so much as glancing in his direction.
Sorry, Jones, you don't get to play in any reindeer games.
No Matter. Ianto's got other plans. Sneaky ones.
The team head off to the bar to get soused. We learn that in all of his 150 odd years Jack has never been to a rugby Match. Gwen seeks to remedy this travesty.
Back at the hub Ianto is dutifully ordering the team's daily pizza-fest. This time he orders a bucket of coleslaw for himself though. Jack is worried about the poor boy's veggie intake apparently. Pizza and Coleslaw. A match made in heaven.
Then some random Japanese dude wanders into the hub.
Ianto greets him in a properly respectful way. He has obviously panned for this guy to be there. His name is Tanazaki.
So Ianto leads him down into the sub-sub-subest basement level of the hub. He tells Tanazaki that he has done all he could.
We get some shots of a bunch of machinery, and a Blink and you'll miss it shot of Lisa and Non-Suited Ianto looking happy.
Wait, wait, who the hell is Lisa? And why the crap is there a sexed up cyberman here? Why? Why? WHY!?
Tanazaki's all, 'OMG! a survivor!' Guess what? I just remembered I hadn't seen series two of Doctor Who at this point. This whole episode was a big WTF? for me the first time around. I'm pretty sure I just let it bounce right off me without noticing anything except Ianto's buckets of tears.
Anyway, Why is Ianto kissing her, pray tell.
Tanizaki's thinking the same thing. I mean, who kisses a Cyberman?
It's Lisa! That explains nothing, Ianto.
Anyway, Tanazaki is all geeked out to be studying a Cyberman. He's interested in the technical aspect. Ianto is more interested in the, Let's figure out how to get rid of all these cybernetics aspect.
Tanazaki, still geeked. He says he never thought he'd get a chance to Study Anything like this. Ianto quickly corrects him with Anyone because he's laboring under the belief that this Lisa thing is still human, and he's going to cling to that like a pit bull for the rest of the episode pretty much.
Anyway, Ianto explains the Finale of Doctor Who Series #2. Which was pretty helpful for say...ME at time. So Short Story?
Lisa worked with him at Torchwood London, she got caught up in the battle of Canary Wharf which had lots of Daleks and Cybermen and Doctors and shit. Lisa got partially converted. And Even though Ianto hasn't said so yet, they were totally doin' it, because who kisses a cyberman, and holds their hand and hides them in the basement of Torchwood 3?
He is the one who pulled her to safety.
Tanazaki wants to know the percentages of human to cyborg. Ianto has not considered this at all, as far as he's concerned she's 100% Lisa I'm sure.
Tanazaki assesses the situation by feeling her up.
Which makes Ianto cringe
Maybe she's 60/40 Cyber/Human Big T decides. Ianto's all 'hands off my girl, jerkface' but he doesn't actually say anything because presumably Tanazaki may be able to help.
Tanazaki is fascinated. Ianto wants to know if he's going to make her human again or what. He has no comment except to wonder how Ianto managed to build a cyber conversion unit out of scrap.
Lisa wakes up then so she can tell Tanazaki that she told him how to do it, and Ianto makes sure she's okay with the pain medication and whatnot.
Lisa wants to know if Tanazaki is the man who is going to help. Ianto says yes, because he promised right? He always keeps his promises. Well, some more than others, but...
And Ianto smiles at her.
Tanazaki wants to ask some questions, so he goes up to Lisa, introduces himself and says something about her "Friend" Mr Jones...
Before he can get to the questions she corrects him. Mr. Jones is her BOYFRIEND. I wonder why Mr. Jones didn't mention that detail? Yeah, like it wasn't obvious, but still...
Lisa says it was a joint decision for them to invite Tanazaki.
Tanazaki asks pertinent questions so we can learn a little bit about Lisa.
Name: Lisa Hallett
Age: 26
Last thing She remembers: PAIN
Lisa sheds a tear.
And Ianto is sad.
We're gonna move the action up to Cold storage now, where Tanazaki is going to work his magic.
He's going to prepare CyberLisa to breath on her own without the machine. And if that doesn't work she may die, and you gotta be ready.
Ianto's like, 'Oh, hell no, I didn't bring you here for her to DIE.'
Yes, yes, Tanazki tells him that in order to save something you love you have to risk losing it.
And Ianto bites on his thumbnail like he does.
Anyway, Tanazaki turns off the machine and Ianto gets all pissed off because Lisa isn't responding. He totally doesn't want her to die.
Meanwhile Jack is sharing stories about more sad little housefraus wedding strange alien creatures. Instead of black slime, it's tusks. Owen takes the time to poke fun at Ianto who isn't even there to defend himself, Jack guffaws.
UFO Sighting over Cardigan Bay! Back to the hub!
Owen wants to at least finish his drink. Jack gives him 10 seconds.
Owen leaves while Gwen takes the offer for 10 seconds seriously. Chug it Cooper!
Back in Cold Storage, Tanazaki keeps time on his wristwatch. Ianto is a little beside himself. "If she dies because of you..." he doesn't finish the thought but I'm sure it ends something like, "...I will kill you, disfigure your corpse, dump it in the water and cover up the murder."
No matter though, because...it's aliiiiiiive!
Yay, she's breathing, it worked! Go Tanazaki!
Lisa wants to know what happened, and she thanks Tanazaki who says it's only the start. Aint that the truth.
Anyway, the team and their totally oblivious leader are making their way back to the hub now.
So it's up with Lisa who's going to walk on her own with Big T back down to her dungeon, and Ianto's going to clean up the mess upstairs.
Up on the Plass Owen is bitching about how women drivers push the seat up which makes it such an inconvenience for him...so, No, Tosh, you can't drive the SUV.
Gwen suggests a rota for who gets to drive the SUV. Jack scoffs at this idea, because they are a super secret organization that fights aliens, why would they need to have any sort of plan about anything?
As the Team is going in, Ianto is helping Lisa in the basement. He tells her he'll be back as soon as he gets those fools back out of the hub.
Jack is handing out orders in the way that only Jack can. Seriously, does it not look like he's singing here? He's not. He's telling Gwen to call some dude who sounds like Sean Connery.
Owen, check and see if it's mistaken identity and not really a UFO.
Shifty Ianto arrives on the scene and straightens his tie.
Back in the basement, Big T is trying to tell CyberLisa to take it easy, she's still weak. But she's totally not.
So Gwen and Owen are making their phone calls and Jack calls to Ianto who is trying to sneak past them.
You are so dead, Ianto.
But Jack just wants him to work his coffee magic, because that's his primary purpose in life, making Jack coffee.
Okee, Dokey, THAT he can manage.
So, now Lisa has gone Rogue and she's going to Cyberize Tanazaki and wipe out his humanity. That's her thank you present to him.
Lisa says she's going to make him strong now, and flips the power on the cyber conversion unit.
and the blades descend and that's the end of Tanazaki.
Upstairs Tosh wonders what is up with this power drain going on.
And Ianto's like, 'Oh, CRAP!'
He makes up some ridiculous lie about generators malfunctioning and loose cables.
Everybody stares at him like he's grown another head.
He asks if he can go take another look.
Jack says Okay, because...it's Ianto. What's Ianto got to hide?
Gwen's heartbeams go out to Ianto and she asks if he needs any help. Ianto says no and scurries away before she can attach herself to him.
So, um, Yeah. Ianto finds Tanazaki all dead and horribly disfigured. The conversion went wrong, or right, being a cyberman is probably worse than death.
First Ianto thinks it might be an accident, but that's totally stupid and he knows it, but he still doesn't want to hear about it. Lisa's going to tell him anyway. Lisa tells him it's alright that she's killed an innocent man, but boy is Ianto angry about it, 'cos the team is going to come looking for him now and find out...
Lisa thinks that's fine too, because they can't be that hard to kill. (surprisingly they are, Lisa, despite their near constant fucking up.)
Ianto tells her not to go near them. Loudly. Obviously he's come to care about them even though he's lied and deceived them and schemed his way into Torchwood with the express purpose of getting Lisa fixed.
So Lisa's going to hang out while Ianto tries to rationalize this whole murdering thing...it's a side effect, it's post-traumatic...Well, somebody's suffering from something post-traumatic and I don't think it's Lisa.
He goes from rationalization, to ragingly pissed in about half a second and shoves her across the room while screaming that she's ruined everything. Lisa does not care.
And then despair. How hard they worked to keep Lisa alive...God damn, stop with the ping-pong emotions, I can't keep up.
Anyway, Ianto instructs Lisa to stay in her dungeon and get some rest while he disposes of the body, and so help him if she harms another person he's going to...
What? Says Lisa, who's voice has now turned all roboty.
That's right, she's beyond saving. I know it, you know, Lisa Knows it, and IANTO knows it, deep down in his broken little heart. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!
Ianto cries for the first time this episode. Because he blames himself for Tanazaki's horrible death. Fair enough, it's kind of his fault.
Ianto tells Lisa everything is going to be okay as he drags Big T's lifeless corpse to the door. I don't really think he's talking to Lisa, because she doesn't look too worried. She's an ass-kicking, people-upgradin' cyborg after all.
Lisa's going to do more than get some rest though. She turns the machine back on so she can charge her batteries.
Back upstairs everybody's having a laugh at the UFO. Haha, it was just an Arkan leisure crawler out for a joyride.
They're going to phone up there and tell them kindly to take it elsewhere they're scaring the locals. Gwen wants to know why they aren't going to drag their alien asses down to the hub and imprison and question them.
Possibly because not all aliens are bad and want to kill us? Though you wouldn't know that by watching Torchwood. Also, they are boring and juicy.
Either the power just went out again, or Tosh's aura of darkness was switched on.
It's a power loss.
Jack calls for Ianto.
Sorry, Jack, Ianto can't come to the phone right now. He's a little busy.
Jack tries again. He needs to hear those beautiful Welsh vowels.
Lisa is a fucking crazy cyberwoman.
Tosh and Owen spot two life signals down in the basement, so if One is Ianto....
Jack is thinking they're under attack...Nuh, uh. For real? They're going to go into battle protocol now, but Tosh thinks this is impossible, because of the...y'know, alarms. Unless somebody let them in maybe.
Jack thinks their system needs to be 'upgraded'. Aha.
Owen takes the initiative to go find Ianto, Gwen is going with him.
Jack's instructions are shoot first ask questions later, and the priority is to find Ianto.
Who is disposing of a body.
Gwen and Owen are giving Jack an update when the comms drop out. So he's left touching his ear wondering what's going on and getting all angry. Owen and Gwen just shrug and continue investigation.
So Tosh has been multitasking with the Comms and the security system while Jack stands there and grumbles about the comms.
See, someone has gone through and tried to delete part of the footage, but Tosh has managed to resurrect it, and there's Ianto, greeting Tanazaki.
What is going on here, says Jack.
Gwen and Owen on the prowl with no comms. Owen also wants to know what the hell is going on.
They're going to go into Lisa's room now because they can't see through the window.
Egad! It's a Cyber conversion unit all powered up and ready to go! Owen's freaked out, Gwen doesn't know what the hell is going on, because she hasn't been around for long enough to know.
Owen explains to Gwen.
Jack is just getting a little impatient with the lack of communication.
Owen says hi, No sign of Ianto, but hey...cybermen!
Jack's all, 'hardy, har, har, very funny Owen.'
But he's deadly serious.
Jack knows this is bad news so he wants Gwen and Owen back upstairs and out of harms way.
But before Owen can argue then totally ignore Jack's orders, Lisa brains him in the back of the head and he's out cold.
Remember that part where Jack told you to shoot first? Now is where that would come in handy.
Gwen initiates some protocol or another, and Jack is off to go rescue her, dashing hero that he is. He tells Tosh if he doesn't come back to lockdown the hub and run far far away. Tosh says she's not going to leave them. Jack tells her that the Cybermen cannot make it to the outside world.
Gwen tells Lisa that she doesn't mean her any harm, but if she comes any closer she will shoot. Just SHOOT HER, Gwen.
Lisa gives her the cyberman staredown, swats the gun away, grabs Gwen by the neck.
So Gwen begs politely for Lisa to please let her go, but nah. Lisa's going to make Gwen like her. Gwen goes down on the table and screams her head off.
Anyway, Jack arrives on the scene, and is all, 'holy crap, it's a WOMAN?!' This totally distracts him for a moment, but then he's back to shooting her cyber ass.
Luckily, unluckily...tragically? Ianto is there to rescue her. Jack tells him he's fighting the wrong guy.
Lisa has gone...off to places unknown, and Gwen's screaming to please stop wrestling, guys and come get her out of this thing.
Lisa has locked the machine in the on position. Ianto, despite being totally delusional and bordering on insane at the moment is still Ianto. He doesn't suggest turning off the power to the entire hub, he orders Jack to do it.
And Jack being Jack does, because, it makes sense and Gwen is about to die, which would suck even though she is highly annoying at times.
Tosh chooses this time to argue. I mean, they'll totally be stuck in there if she does that. The poor girl doesn't know Gwen's about to get sliced and diced.
Jack yells at her to just do it.
Tosh shuts the power off just in time. The Hub goes into lock down.
Anyway, Gwen is freaked out, and Jack is eying Ianto suspiciously.
Jack tells Ianto to go stand guard by the door and you can tell that he knows and he's angry, I'd say that's an understatement, but you've got to start somewhere and it's only going to get worse.
Ianto apologizes to Gwen. She want to know what for, but just like Jack he doesn't bother to answer her damn questions either.
Everything is so very red. Jack has rescued Gwen and is carrying Owen over his shoulder...Remember Owen? He was down there too, still unconscious.
Anyway, there's Lisa, who stares at them for a while before moving on.
Jack has to explain Cybermen to Gwen now, because she couldn't figure it out from all those context clues Owen gave her earlier. He's still giving Ianto the eye while he's doing this.
Then Lisa is gone, and Jack pulls his gun on Ianto. Gwen is aghast. This is Ianto after all, he makes coffee and has no feelings, that's what he's there for. She wants to know what Jack is doing. Resisting the Urge to shoot he says. Yeah, he's definitely angry.
Back in the hub, Jack's going to yell at Tosh some more. This time to get the very locked weapons room opened which he wants unlocked no matter how long and hard anybody tries to tell him that it can't be done. That's what lock downs are for, Harkness.
Anyway, Jack now has Ianto down on his knees. Not exactly in the way I would like to envision it. Heh.
Oh, my gosh, the lighting in this episode. Anyway, Tosh is aghast too, Jack tells her to shut-up and get the damn weapons already, and Gwen has to help her now too. He's got to try and avoid any unnecessary sympathy from Tosh and hearts from Gwen at the moment.
Jack wants to know if Ianto knew Lisa was down there. Which is a dumb question, but I guess he wants to hear it from Ianto.
And boy does he hear it because Ianto's all, 'I put her there. What of it?'
Jack grabs his hair. He wants to know what else Ianto is hiding. Hey, guess who is so NOT helping Tosh right now?
Like you care, says Ianto. Heh, someone's not afraid of Harkness's big bad gun.
Ianto just cleans up everyone's shit and that's the way Jack likes it. He wants to know when the last time it was Jack asked him anything about his life. His life isn't making Jack coffee? This clearly is news to Jack.
Jack puts the Gun away and Ianto explains that Lisa was his girlfriend.
Gwen wants to know why he didn't say anything because they totally would have helped. She clearly has not read the Torchwood history book. Also, I'm trying to refrain from mentioning Fragments, but Ha, Ha! Helping out Torchwood London peoples was not on the menu.
All Ianto's flip-floppy emotions have now been channeled into Rage against the Torchwood. Torchwood only exists to destroy things after all, why would he tell them?
Loyalty, a concussed Owen suggests. Aww, isn't it sweet, he's woken up for the fireworks.
Ianto's sad again. His loyalty is to Lisa. He says "WE" owe it to her to find a cure since she worked for Torchwood One after all.
Jack tells Ianto that there is no cure. The anger seems to have dissipated for a moment, but who could be angry at Ianto when he's making that face?
Then Jack informs him that his Girlfriend will not be the exception. Oh, gee, with the word "girlfriend" the anger has returned.
Ianto's all, 'What do you know?'
Jack explains the Cybermen. How they get a foothold and then take over whole worlds and such. Yeah, I think Ianto knows, I just don't think he gives a shit right now. It seems like Jack keeps going back and forth between speaking in a normal tone to an angry one...kind of like when you've calmed yourself down from being pissed off, but suddenly remembered why you were pissed off in the first place and it makes you even more angry all over again?
Anyway, Ianto contemplates Jack's little Cybermen are bad, you have made a very stupid mistake and now we have to stick together to fix it speech.
But he just gives Jack his best 'fuck you' scowl and insists that Lisa can be saved.
Jack gets all up in his face and says, nuh-uh. She's never going to stop trying to convert people.
Ianto's not giving up on her though, because he loves her. He wants to know if Jack understands this whole "Love" concept and if Jack has ever loved anyone. Y'know, because he has no heart and is lacking in humanity and all.
I think he has.
He's totally not saying though. What he is saying is, 'Are you with us or are you against us, Ianto Jones?'
Owen decides to speak up for Tosh now because he says the weapons door is not going to open, even though he's been standing there in a daze and Gwen has just been absorbing all the Jack and Ianto drama going on. It's just as well because if Tosh would have said so Jack would have yelled at her.
Ianto's still fixated on the whole Lisa thing. He wants the chance to talk to her at least. He seems to think that he can save Lisa, and save all of them too.
Gwen gives him pity looks.
She's not a monster says Ianto.
Oh, look, there's Lisa now. She thinks that the hub is indeed suitable to create her new cyber army.
Gwen tries to talk Ianto out of...whatever the hell he's trying to do, but Jack shushes her meddlesome lips.
Jack asks Lisa whos he is and she says Human 2.0 He wants to know why she looks like Human 1.0
Which has Ianto totally deflated.
Lisa thinks her new hybrid look is totally disgusting. I think silly...or ridiculous might be a more accurate adjective, but what can you do?
Ianto still trying to convince Lisa that she is Lisa even though she wants to upgrade again.
He did want to bring her to Torchwood so she could be healed and they could be together after all.
Lisa thinks this is a wonderful idea. She can transplant her brain into Ianto's body. It'll be totally awesome, and they can be together forever! Yay!
I don't think Ianto is too keen on that idea though. He'll do anything for love, but he won't do that.
and Lisa's still going on about fusing herself to him as one complete person. Isn't that what love is anyway?
Hell No.
And Lisa's all,'fine, have it your way.' And she picks him up and Tosses him across the hub into a puddle of water.
Jack tries to shoot her but she shoots lightning bolts out of her fingers and then I giggle. Oh, Cybermen.
And then she turns to Gwen who is...what is she doing? Standing there like her legs are encased in cement. Someone needs to work on the girl's reaction time.
Luckily Owen is there to save her ass.
So Team Torchwood is scrabbling around the hub in code 9 maneuvers...which is code for MEET ME IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM apparently. Lisa says, you can run, but you can't hide.
Up in the conference room, Jack is struggling to maintain the lack of control he has over his staff. I mean, Owen and Gwen are already bitching at each other, Gwen's reminding us that Lisa is after them, and calling Owen useless. So saving Gwen's life counts as useless now? Anyway, Jack gives a speech about how Lisa is not human anymore and they have to battle her to the death no matter what Ianto said or how much he made puppy dog eyes at them.
Orders for Tosh: Take this lock picking device that used to scan books four episodes ago.
Owen doesn't think Tosh is butch enough to open the cog door without power. Tosh doesn't want to leave her friends to the slaughter.
Jack just screams at them to do what he says before they all die.
and Tosh is to take these, battery operated light thingies and do some techno thingie to some wires up in the reception area and then we'll have power to do what we need to do. Whatever that is.
As for Gwen and Owen they need to go find some weapons. Owen thinks he keeps some sharp pointy things in Cold Storage.
As for Jack, as Gwen asks, He's going to buy them some time.
So he distracts Lisa, who has made it upstairs.
Tosh picks her locks.
All your base are belong to us, says Lisa. Jack tells her he's sorry that she got all cyberized but he's going to do away with her now.
Lisa doesn't like this idea so she kills him.
Tosh watches in shock. Gwen acts like she doesn't know that he can't die and tries to run to his side. Owen holds her back.
Jack revives quickly enough and Owen wants to know how. He's not going to get the chance to ask right now though, because Lisa's going to electrocute Jack to death again.
Chill Gwen. He can't die.
Lisa has her Cybereyes on Tosh now who has made it past the cage and is on to the cog.
She gets past it just in time...
For Lisa to smash through the little window and scare the crackers out of her. But the cog door is heavy enough and locked again so Tosh is safe. She scampers up to the tourist office.
Shit says Gwen. There's only two people left for Lisa to kill down here. Her and Owen.
Gwen is pissed off at Owen again because he's gotten them trapped in the autopsy room.
Owen's brilliant idea, having been a total failure at finding weapons is to hide in one of the drawers.
Gwen tells him there's no way in hell that's ever going to happen, but what other option have they got with Lisa on the rampage.
Ianto and Jack, in the gutter.
Gwen and Owen, in the drawer.
And Jack is revived!
While Lisa hits cold storage.
Gwen and Owen try to stay quiet while Lisa stands above them in her stylish cyber heels.
Jack sees Ianto lying in the gutter outside and...gathers him up in his arms.
Lisa makes it downstairs.
Ianto is totally unconscious.
Gwen wants to know what they do now.
Right, of course. This is Torchwood, so what else is the appropriate course of action?
See. If this crazy ass episode didn't have you wondering 'What the fuck?' before, I'm sure it is now, because on no planet through all of space and time is THAT CPR (or resuscitation of any type). Is Jack is just layin' one on an unconsious man then? So here's the question: Doin' it before Cyberwoman? or No. The mind boggles.
Lisa has decided to open some doors.
Ianto wakes up, and Jack shushes him. I really don't think he has to worry about it, Ianto appears to be pretty speechless at the moment.
And Gwen and Owen? Well, Gwen's phone rings.
Aha! The prize is behind door five/six
It's Good Old Rhys and he wants Gwen to record wife swap for him!
So Gwen and Owen scramble out of the drawer and Owen gets all protective over Gwen and stabs Lisa with a screwdriver. She's out for the count.
Gwen and Owen with all their cell phone shenanigans in Cold Storage could have maybe used a little help, but Jack and Ianto have been doing this the whole time.
As soon as Lisa is stabbed though, Ianto is up and running to her side.
Gwen and Owen argue some more. I mean, Owen just saved her from the cyberwoman again but she's going to bitch about him kissing her. Owen excuses himself because it was supposed to be the last kiss of a dying man. Nice try. He pretends like he doesn't fancy Gwen even though he was sportin' wood according to Gwen.
Anyway, Ianto makes it onto the scene.
It was kill or Be killed, they had no choice. For some reason they feel the need to explain themselves even though Ianto hasn't uttered a word yet.
Anyway, Lisa is alive again. The screwdriver didn't quite do the trick and even Ianto jumps away from her, because she's a scary cyberbabe who will not die. Gwen does have to push him up the stairs and out of the room though.
What the hell was I screen capping? Anyway, Owen wants to know why Jack isn't dead, but now is not the time to be confessing immortality. He grabs a torch and a squeeze bottle of some kind.
Tosh is upstairs trying to restore power in case you forgot about her.
And Jack waves his torch around.
Lisa says that's fine. She can wait for him to run out of gas.
And Ianto begs. He begs for Jack to show her some mercy. Lock her up in the cells until they can find a way to fix her. (they could always put her in the freezer! Hah!)
And Owen tells him to shut-up because he hasn't seen what she's done. I'm going to presume Owen means cybermen in genera...No, no, whatever he means I'm pretty sure Ianto has seen it. He was smack in the middle of them at Canary Wharf and he got an eyeful of Tanazaki earlier, who nobody has asked about since even though he was spotted on the CCTV. It's just love makes you totally flippin' insane sometimes.
Jack tells Ianto she's beyond saving just like he said earlier. Then he orders Gwen and Owen to get him on the lift and hold him back, Gwen questions this plan and Jack is all, 'Just listen to me and do what I say, for god's sake why doesn't anybody ever listen to me EVER?'
Who are we kidding, he's never going to win any leadership of the year awards.
So he douses Lisa with his special sauce. Gwen wants to know what it is even though he just told her not to ask questions. It helps the Pterodactyl identify it's food.
Jack appologizes to Ianto as sincere as can be and then lets the dinosaur out of it's cage.
Power on!
Ianto's not going to let his girlfriend get eaten alive by a pterodactyl without a fight.
Lisa punches the Myfanwy in the face. I giggle inappropriately. Ianto cheers as the lift goes up.
Then he screams at Jack to show some Fuckin' Mercy. He's so mad he's cursing.
Lisa screams in terror and Myfanwy squawks in triumph. This will become tragically ironic in about 20 episodes time.
Tosh is happy to see her friends alive and well at the lift exit, not surprisingly since they are her only friends. Jack is not so much. He hand waves her away because he does not want to talk about this crazy shit right now.
Funny, when Owen stabbed Lisa to near death with a screwdriver Ianto wasn't all that angry. Maybe he was still in shock from being almost dead and waking up mid lip-lock with Jack. In any case he sure is pissed off now. This pteredactyl business has pushed him straight over the edge.
So Ianto punches Jack in the face and tells him that he (Jack) could have saved her and he's (Jack) worse than anything locked up in the cells. And that one day he's going to have the chance to save him (Jack) and he's going to watch Jack suffer and die.
That's cold, man.
It's the only thing that would stop her says Jack and he is so angry that he actually comes back at Ianto. Man, if the rest of them hadn't been there that would have been one hell of a fight.
As it is though, Owen holds Jack back and Gwen holds Ianto back and Tosh is all geeked because she rigged the power to come back on so they can get back inside! Ianto hears this and it's off to the races!
Remember when Ianto ordered Pizza and coleslaw? The Hub opens up from lockdown just in time.
And the Pizza girl wanders straight into the hub. Crack security, Torchwood!
And Lisa is still alive. Myfanwy has retired to her nest to nurse her wounds apparently. This does not bode well for pizza girl.
Meanwhile, Ianto, fleet of foot, has made it to the Tourist Center quickly enough to get his gun before the others can reach him. Gwen tells him not to be stupid. I think he's far past the point of not being stupid already, Gwen.
Ianto thinks Lisa is the only thing he has in the world. He's got nothing left to lose.
Jack tells him otherwise. There's always something left to lose he says.
Ianto is still not hearing reason. He's going back in to be Lisa's knight in shining armor and if anybody tries to stop him he will shoot them.
But Gwen is all distracting with her hands and her squawking so Jack has enough time to turn into a motion blur and...
Turn the tables. Jack says he'll totally shoot Ianto if he doesn't follow orders now. Yeah right. How would he even know what it's like when someone follows orders, nobody ever does.
Jack tells Ianto that if he's going back in he's going back in to execute Lisa. Ianto is still not afraid of Jack's big gun.
The Team watches on.
No way says Ianto. Doesn't that mean you're supposed to shoot him now, Jack?
Jack tells Ianto that now it's time to stand as part of the team after bringing all this crazy shit down on them. Gwen is trying to calm everybody down with her heart full of heart but Jack is not interested. He's got to keep all his raging anger and betrayal focused on one spot.
Ianto tells Jack that he cannot order him to shoot Lisa. Now you shoot him, Jack?
If Ianto doesn't go down there and kill her he's going to execute both of them. Jack is so damn angry now that he's shaking.
"I won't do it, you can't make me." says Ianto.
Now you shoot him?
Ianto tells Jack, "You like to think you're a hero, but you're the biggest monster of all"
Hey, This is what it looks like when someone is NOT following your orders by the way.
Okay then, you have ten minutes. Then team Torchwood is coming in.
Can't you just feel all the love in the room?
Anyway, Ianto is off to find Lisa. As part of the team or not, who knows.
Tosh is the one who's heart goes out to Ianto. She doesn't think Jack should have asked him to do that. Jack does not need her opinion though. Seriously, I don't think ever in the history of ever has he been this angry before.
Even Gwen has nothing to say, or maybe she does and is forceably holding it in so she doesn't get yelled at.
Anyway, downstairs in cyberhell Ianto spots the Jubilee Pizza boxes and the power is going out again, which only means one thing.
Lisa is dead. Wait, I don't think that's what we were expecting exactly.
Ianto kneels by her head and weeps and weeps and weeps.
Right, so as if that wasn't horrible enough, the pizza girl comes out of the shadows and Ianto pulls his gun on her. Lisa has transplanted her brain into the poor girl.
Ianto does not believe this shit. Lisa is all, 'you always said you didn't love me for what I looked like' Dude, this is totally NOT the same thing.
Anyway, Lisa tells some stories about thier life together. It's all, Hangovers, and tea-kettles, and Cheese tosties, and sharing a sleeping bag, and dogs pissing on thier tent. Lisa wants him to hold her and tell him it's going to be alright.
That is not a reassuring face. Ianto has been sobbing intermittenly throughout her little speech.
But he does hug her, one last time before he lets go of that teenie, tiny, irrational speck of hope that has been hanging out in his sad, broken heart making him do totally crazy ass things to the only other people in the world who might care about him (so I gather. I cannot bring myself to believe the guy has any other family.)
He let's go and trains the gun on her despite her protestations.
He totally cannot do it though. So he goes to cry in the corner.
Lisa tells him they can be upgraded together. Yep, she still is a cyberwoman even though she has a new squishy body.
With those words the fireing squad is upon her.
And that is the end of the Lisas. Ianto kneels between them and mourns.
An undisclosed amount of time later...Ianto returns to the hub. He looks up to where Gwen and Jack are perched in anticipation of their end of the episode chat.
And Jack gives him a silent nod of um, welcome back to the hub, time to earn our trust again?
I wouldn't say everything is okey-dokey now, but nobody's threatening to shoot anybody anymore so it's getting better.
Gwen tells Jack he totally wouldn't have shot Ianto. Wouldn't I, says Jack. I think I agree with Gwen. The mind boggles. Then they argue about whether he would have shot her if she'd have gone to stand by Ianto. Jack thinks it's a moot point because she didn't do it.
Will he stay, she wonders. Jack eyebrow shrugs at her.
All that lying, because he couldn't live without her, she says. Speaking which, Jaaaack, have you ever loved anybody that much?
Well, that's the look of a man who is totally not answering that question ever, ever, EVER.
On to the next question! When Lisa had a hold of Jack, Gwen totally thought he might actually die! That's not actually a question, but it seems to require an answer.
So did Jack, and it made him feel so ALIVE.
And then Ianto returns to cleaning up everybody's shit. The end.
Next time:
The Chosen One!
Gwen learned something in school!
And an Old Flame!
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