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A Tale of Two Captains Part I »
Torchwood
Captain Jack Harkness
Series 1 Episode 12
Back in '41, Jack #1's lady friend is looking bored out of her mind.
She probably just wants a little one on one time with her man before he heads off on the next mission, and this random dude will just not go away.
Jack #1 asks #2 about his next mission. Since his only mission should be getting the hell out of 1941 he just pretends like he can't talk about it in front of the girl, which makes her feel even more unwanted than she already did.
So she gets up to go. Jack #2 apologizes for implying that he wanted her to go away, but She's going to find a ride home now, and her Jack says that he'd better stay.
Hint not taken. Poor girl.
She reminds Jack #1 that he's leaving the next day. He confirms.
And Jack #2 is awkwardly positioned smack in between them listening to their totally awkward goodbyes.
What does she get for all this trouble? A peck on the cheek and a promise for a phone call. How disappointing!
Jack #2 does not approve of this lame-o goodbye. Especially on the last night of Jack #1's life.
Oh, but wait! There's more!
He tells her that it's been a good few weeks. She is severely disappointed by this parting comment and pretty much looks like she's about to burst into tears. So, that doesn't really deserve an answer. She turns around to leave without another word.
Jack #2 is all, 'what the hell, man?'
Jack #1 has to stay and look after his men though. I bet he does.
Jack #2 gives #1 his sage advise on the proper way a dashing WWII era Captain says goodbye to his Lady friend. Anything can happen after all.
Jack #1 scoffs at this idea, because it's only a routine training exercise. Alas, #2 cannot tell him what's going to happen lest the time line be broken.
Jack #2 is going to try his best to drop hints though...at least so #1 doesn't squander his last night on Earth.
Jack #1 ponders this advice, and downs a bit of liquid courage before marching over to Nancy.
There you go, #2. How bittersweet it is.
Nancy is so happy that Jack #1 didn't leave it at that lame "It's been a good couple of weeks." line that she hugs him and whispers 'I love you' in his ear.
OMG! Nooooo!
So, Jacks, what Now? #2 is looking sad because he knows what's going to happen, and #1 is looking pissed.
Yep. He is. According to Jack #1 that little love confession made everything worse. How worse? Not 5 times, not 10 times....20 whole times. Good job, #2.
Meanwhile, have some random dudes chatting each other up.
Jack #2 isn't going to let #1 get away from him that easily. He catches up to #1 on the stairs and refuses to take the blame for some girl falling in love with him, then he reminds #1 that it's okay to be scared and he doesn't have to pretend in front of him. #1 thinks he has to keep his head in front of his men.
#2 tells him that a Captain that he has to explain all the risks and keep the troops well informed, because he does such a good job of informing his own troops these days.
Anyway, #1 doesn't really think that sharing all the horrors of war with the men is going to do any good, and he relates the horrible story of how one of them got his eyes shot out. #2 says he understands, but #1 totally doesn't believe it at first.
So #2 listens to him reveal a little more of the horror, about how he had to watch the poor kid get shot down out of the sky. Oh, and as if that wasn't bad enough, on the radio he could hear the boy...
Screaming. Jack #2 supplies that last bit, so he does understand after all.
#1 seems a little taken aback that #2 has also been through hell and now has to rethink his position on this other captain's lack of understanding. Then Jack #2 tells his own horrifying story about going to war when he himself was a boy and getting caught behind enemy lines with his best friend.
His best friend was tortured to death while Jack was made to watch. They let him go after that, but...damn.
Jack #1 wants to know who it was exactly that did such at thing. You know them well by now...the mysterious worst creatures imaginable.
It's #2's turn to walk away, and #1 follows him. You may think his harrowing tale of wartime horror is over, but it's not. Now that he's started talking to someone who's been there it seems like the floodgates are opened. #2 explains that he was the one who persuaded his friend to join up.
He thought it would be an adventure. And there is yet another huge thing for Jack #2 to feel guilty about for the rest of ETERNITY. Forever and ever and evvvver, until the end of time and beyond.
#2 says that his friend never got to live, and #1 wonders if any of them have. Well...
I think #2 wants to lay one on this guy so bad right now. Alas, #1 turns and walks away to contemplate this depressing little chat elsewhere.
While all this is going on inside, Tosh is outside messing with her Polaroid. So begins the "treasure hunt" for Tosh's secret formula that the team don't even know their on! Yay!
Meanwhile, Ianto is searching the CCTV for signs of slippery time eel, Bilis, but alas, he has not been seen leaving the building.
Owen has no time for this though, he's off to the dance hall to bother Gwen now.
And that leaves Ianto in charge of the hub. If he didn't know that Owen is totally up to no good right now, he might be relieved to be rid of him.
At the Ritz, Gwen is wondering WWJaTD.
Gwen catches sight of Bilis in the corner of her eye and is led to this utility box.
The padlock has been busted, so she opens it and finds Tosh's picture!
Back at the hub Ianto applies the equations, but his efforts are thwarted by Tosh's crappy photography skills.
We get a shot of Tosh stashing the picture in the utility closet...the logic of hiding something that is supposed to last what? 65 years? Outside, in a utility closet that various maintenance people should have access to...is kind of mind boggling to me. I'm just going to assume Bilis took it and planted it back for Gwen to find when he was ready to put his creepy plan into action.
So, anyway...anybody up for a little air raid?
And Tosh tells Jack about the missing corner of the picture whilst everybody is ushered into the basement. Tosh again has no faith that Team Torchwood is going to keep looking if they don't find the whole thing. She wants a little of Jack's reassurance. He says that they will and it's off to the basement they go.
Well, Gwen spies Owen's car back in present times and gives him directions to Bilis' office, where he proceeds to ransack the place, looking for who knows what. He finally spots a safe, which he thinks is the answer to all his problems.
It's 1941 again!
This poor lad is trying to get a snog out of Queen B
It worked! Yay for you, random dude!
Tosh is off to leave another message.
#2 keeps lookout, but then he spots #1 from across the room.
#1 is pleased.
Tosh finds a can that she thinks is airtight, and now has to find something other than pencil that will last throughout time. So...Tosh carries a laptop around with her everywhere she goes, but she doesn't carry a pen?
Well, since there's a lack of permanent ink in '41, then Tosh's own blood will just have to do.
Well, at least this bomb shelter comes with entertainment. The band for the night calms the guests with "The White Cliffs of Dover"
Tosh is understandably a little freaked out about this situation. She adds a little something to her bloody note.
We shall rejoin Owen now, and he is opening the safe up with the magical Lock Opening, Book Scanning, Translation device.
Aaaand...Empty. Owen is the Geraldo Rivera of Torchwood.
So what now? Think it out, Owen. You can come up with some zany ass idea that will work for you. You're on team Torchwood after all.
Bilis' many clocks start chiming and this spurs on Owen's random epiphany.
Owen opens up a grandfather clock and finds...the missing piece to the rift manipulator! I will let you figure out in what alternate universe this actually makes any sense.
Gwen and Owen finally cross paths. Owen isn't exactly lying when he says he hasn't found the equations. He isn't going to let her in on what goodies he has found though. He's off to the hub.
#2 has a visitor back in '41. A visitor who has now let his guard down enough to admit that he is, in fact, scared.
Alrighty, so what now?
The bombs are flying as Tosh finishes up her note.
Gwen flashes her Torchlight around as she hears "the White Cliffs of Dover" Nobody is there though. She's determined to find the equation, and here we thought Gwen's pig headed stubbornness never did anybody any good.
Jack and Jack are still having their awkward moment of silence.
Random Dude is about to make it to second base with Queen B.
Too bad for him, the all clear sounds. Have a picture of poor old Tim though. He's spent all night trying to impress Tosh with his Navigational savvy and he doesn't even get one snog. He has to spend his air raid sitting next to George.
Anyway, Bilis appears and ushers them all back upstairs for some hardcore party action 1941 style. Everybody cheers!
So Tosh has finished and hidden the numbers and informed her boss of the situation. Tim notices the giant gash in her hand and quickly offers to help. I'm sorry, I think Tim is totally adorable!
Tosh looks to Jack for approval and he merely arches his eyebrows suggestively at her as any totally professional boss would do.
George offers a round of drinks now that Tim has nabbed the girl, but Jack #1 would like to have some alone time with Jack #2.
Alone Time with the hot Captain? Squeeee!
Gwen is still poking around that basement in search of Tosh's secret message that is sure to still be there.
Her Gwen-sense leads her to the old paint can.
I think she's got it! Gwen phones in to Ianto.
And Ianto informs Owen who has just returned.
To bad the formula's incomplete. So, what simple task did Tosh fuck up this time?
Well, Gwen has a definitive answer to that one. The numbers have been scraped out. This one was not Tosh's fault and they won't be getting another clue. We get a flashback of Bilis himself scrubbing out Torchwood's only hope.
Oh, and Tosh's extra message? Written in BLOOD? It's "Tell My Family I love them." If that isn't enough to reassure the team, I don't know what is!
Well, even the boys have nothing to say to what very well may be Tosh's last words for all they know.
Speaking of the boys, the Jacks have found a secluded area overlooking the dance floor.
Jack #1 is now back to dwelling on that darn goodbye kiss/I love you from earlier. He wants to know why #2 made him do it. We won't mention that #2 didn't really Make him do anything.
Well #2 just wants him to live it up while he has the chance. Live every night like it's your last, he says. "Make tonight the best night of your life."
Of course, #1 doesn't know that this IS the last night of his life, but he seems to take the advice to heart. Especially since #2 is getting extremely emotional about the whole thing (for reasons we are well aware of at this point.)
#1 still needs more clarification on this matter, however.
Jack #2 smiles ruefully to himself and then advises Jack #1 to go get it on with his lady friend. How #2 is missing that with his lady friend is probably the last place on earth #1 would want to be right then on his last night alive is beyond me.
#1 considers this advice out loud.
Yes. #2 concurs that his advice should be followed.
I don't think anybody's going to be complaining about the over abundance of close-ups in this scene are they? Jack #1 is now curious as to whether Toshiko is Jack's woman.
Jack says no. Which is true enough, but then he follows up with "There's No-One." No one? Oh, really? I happen to know for a fact that there would be four very pissed off people should you happen to say...run away for a few months with nary a word of goodbye. We won't even mention the fact that you've totally been sexin' it up with Ianto and his stopwatch.
I'll just chalk #2's pity party here up to a wholly depressing night filled with guilt drenched helplessness.
Well, Jack #2's insistence that #1 go be with his woman tonight has finally managed to chase the guy away and Jack is left to wallow in his own despair alone.
Back at the ranch, Ianto is standing imperiously over Owen insisting that his shit plan is so not going to work A. Because there's a piece missing...
Wait, scratch that. We found the piece. What about B?
Nope, we still don't have the equations. Owen still thinks the machine will do all the work for them.
Oh, well. So much for machines. The darn thing is still not working.
Owen runs to Jacks office...all other options having failed, he is now going to look for the instruction manual. The last place any man will look for instruction. Of course, Ianto doesn't want Owen to open the safe. You can tell because he's using his growly voice.
Owen doesn't care what Ianto thinks because he is second in command! And Ianto really, really doesn't like the idea of fucking with the things in Jack's secret safe.
And Owen gets extremely sarcastic about Ianto's territorialness over things to do with Jack.
Conveniently, Jack keeps the secret safe code written in his diary. Was somebody asking about Jack's handwriting? ;)
Ianto is clearly at his wits end.
Let's take a trip through the secure archives! Look! It's the "Life Knife!"
And the Ghost Machine! You remember that one, don't you, Owen?
And Ianto looks on.
And his look turns to to almost imperceptible dismay and worry as Owen pulls out a book that is clearly labeled ...They are blueprints for the lift machine.
In your face, Ianto!
They look at each other for a moment, then Ianto runs out, presumably to curtail any effort Owen makes to get the machine running, and Owen runs right after him.
Just when it's getting exciting, we're going to go back and visit a totally depressed Jack.
Hey! Look who's back! That didn't take too long.
Jack #2 Oh, so subtly reminds him that this could be his last chance again.
That's why he came back, dummy.
#2 gives him fair warning that, like Cinderella, he may have to leave before the night is through
#1 so does not care. Remember that advice you were sagely doling out earlier #2? He's going to make the most of what he's got.
And then they hold hands and my heart goes: Awwwwwww! And then I remember that one of them is going to die, and the other one is never going to die and my heart goes: Awwwwww >--- Insert Sad Emoticon :( ---<
They get interrupted however, by a couple who want to use "Lover's Corner." It's IN USE! Go away! Stupid WWII era 20th century.
Ah, hell. Have another one of #2, why not? In any case #1 plays it off like they were "discussing Strategies" #2 offers to go "discuss strategy" elsewhere. Winkity, wink.
Jack #1 is now thoroughly freaked out at almost being caught red handed, so to speak, and he's not up for it anymore.
Ahh--huh. And things were going so well!
and the Jack's go their separate ways while these two get to make out on the couch. No fair!
Meanwhile, Owen and Ianto are playing tug-of-war with the instruction manual.
Ianto still thinks it's a trap. He's pretty darn sure that Bilis wants to open the rift and cause untold chaos and destruction.
Well, Ianto has tried logic and reason, and Owen hasn't listened to him, so now he's going to try screaming logic and reason at him, but he's still not listening. He even begs Owen to please listen to him.
Well, that's the face of someone who doesn't give a crap about what you have to say, Ianto. Owen's through being jerked around by the rift, and also Jack and his secrets. Owen reminds us all that they don't know anything about Jack.
And Ianto reminds Owen that there's only one thing they need to know about Jack, and that is he's their leader.
Owen doesn't think so anyway. There's only one thing standing between him and the rift now.
Ianto wrestles Owen to the ground. Well, that's that then, right? Ianto is a lot bigger than Owen...but with one well placed elbow to the ribs, Owen is free, with the instruction manual in hand.
And Just for good measure, he kicks Ianto while he's down. Hard.
Meanwhile, Tosh finds Jack looking sad and goes on over to him. He tells her how Jack #1 dies on a routine training exercise.
The good Captain even destroys three of the enemy before he gets shot down.
This is kind of chilling actually, listening to Jack tell the story of how this man dies, while the man himself is making eyes at him from across the room.
Captain jack is the only one who perishes. The rest of the men make it back safe.
Meanwhile, Ianto has recovered from his kicking and Owen is monkeying about with the rift manipulator.
Owen finally looks up from what he's doing when Ianto tells him to stop...or else. Uh-Oh!!! What's gonna happen?
Well, we don't know just yet, because we've been transported back in time, where Tosh and Jack are continuing their heart to heart at a table. Tosh wants to know who he was.
And he tells her. He was a con-man.
Well, now that she knows that, how about the part where he ends up working for Torchwood?
So Jack vaguely references the first season of Doctor who, where the Doctor saved him from himself, then he was brought back to life. For...Ev...Er. He thinks he's sticking around for some greater purpose, but he doesn't know what that is. (Saving the world, or at least Cardiff, on a semi-regular basis doesn't count?)
Jack apologizes for recruiting Tosh, but she tells him not to. She loves working for Torchwood anyway. (Also, it's better than prison.)
And Jack promises to look after her once again.
And then Jack has a mini-break down because there's nothing he can do to save #1 without royal fucking up the time line. Damn, Jack. You are such a heartless bastard. I swear!
And Tosh holds his hand as he cries.
Meanwhile, Ianto is hot. Wait. What? Where was I? Ianto commands Owen to let go of Diane for once and for all. He tries to find a little common ground with Owen so that maybe he will listen.
But bringing up how he finally had to let Lisa go doesn't quite work with Owen, who is disgusted to even be compared to Ianto. He calls Ianto the "Teaboy".
Ianto says that he's much more than just that. I would just listen to the man. He's using the growly voice and is pointing a loaded gun at you for goodness sakes!
Well, here he goes again. Antagonizing people with firearms trained on him. He says, "In your sad, wet dreams, when you're his part time shag maybe."
Well, that wasn't a good idea. Ianto's already at the end of his tether, and Owen has just pushed the biggest button of them all.
This No-One doesn't like to be called anybody's part time shag. The weapon has been cocked now, and Ianto moves in for the kill.
And Owen tries his own appeals now. The rift took his lover and his captain and he's going to do whatever it takes to get them back!
Ianto wavers slightly when he mentions the captain, but ultimately stands his ground. Owen doesn't care if Ianto shoots him to death though because in his mind it will be in the line of duty.
And so Ianto shoots him.
I don't think Ianto can believe he actually just shot someone. Owen either.
But he hasn't been mortally wounded. Ianto has shot him in the shoulder. He hasn't even been wounded enough not to activate the rift manipulator!
Hey, 1941! How've you been?
Jack #1 contemplates things off to the side. And by things I mean Jack #2.
Jack and Tosh are adorable by the way. Everything's adorable! The whole world is adorable! No. It's not late, and I'm not drunk. I'm just in a good mood!
Well, Jack #1 isn't going to be a wallflower anymore. They're going to "Discuss Strategy" out on the dance floor now.
George is totally confused. He wants to know what they're doing.
This is what is commonly known as "Dancing", George.
And Everybody stops what they're doing and stares at them. This would probably be totally awkward and creepy if they weren't in their own little bubble right now.
At least Tosh is pleased.
Ahh, just enjoy. I haven't the words anyway!
And now they...
OMG, Owen, you have the crappiest timing.
Tosh splits for the rift. Touching as this is she can't wait to get home. Jack #2 on the other hand...not so excited.
#2 is really reluctant to leave right about now, but Tosh begs him to come, because Torchwood needs him.
He explains to #1 that he is duty-bound and has to leave. Nobody seems phased by this freaky blue light that appeared out of nowhere?
You're not really gonna leave it with that lame-goodbye are you? Take your own advice, fella.
That's more like it!
And then Jack #2 has to head back to the future, leaving Jack #1 to his cruel pre-destined fate.
One last salute before we go.
And Bilis is pleased that his manipulations worked out according to plan.
Gwen is there to pounce ferociously on Jack when the come out of the present day Ritz. Despite it all, he looks happy to be back home.
Though he does give the dance hall one sad parting glance.
Back at the hub, Owen is attending to his bullet wound.
Owen, rather passive aggressively, speaks up and tells everybody that he knew opening the rift was the right thing to do.
Despite Ianto having already shot him, Owen continues to poke at him. So the world didn't end! haha! Good thing you're a bad shot! So there!
And Ianto snaps at him that he was aiming for the shoulder. So Nyaaaaa!
Tosh tells everybody that she thought 1941 was beautiful, despite all the bombs. Jack walks by and says that "there were angels dancing at the Ritz."
Owen's about to go after the boss and talk to him, but Tosh goes instead.
And Owen wonders what is up with that?
It's been a shitty day, time for the drinksys.
Tosh thinks Jack #1 would have been proud of #2 taking his name, since now he goes around saving the world every day.
I don't know if Jack necessarily believes that.
And they Toast to Captain Jack.
Next Time
Gwen says "Shit".
People are dropping through time bearing diseases apparently.
Lisa?
And Owen's opening the rift again. Good times!
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