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Torchwood
Season One Episode Two
Day One
Back by Popular Demand. It has been requested that I go back and make captions for all of season one, so here I am. With two seasons worth of Spin. I'm not even going to pretend that this recap covers only my first viewing of this episode ever. So Big fat Giant Organic Spoilers all the way up to 2 x 12. Heed this warning, and no bitching. Like anybody reads this shiz anyway.
Kiss that bowling ball for good luck, Rhys Williams, you're going to need it eventually.
It's Date night in the Williams/Cooper household. Gwen kicks his ass at bowling and then complains about the boring movie he made her go see. I'm going to guess that Rhys is into romantic comedies, and Gwen likes a good shoot 'em up action movie with lots of sex and violence.
Anyway, they end the night with a romantic meal. Rhys wants to know all about Gwen's promotion to "Special Ops".
Gwen so does not want to talk about this. It's that whole "Super-Secrecy" thing, y'know. She passes it off as some boring filing job, which is an entirely believable lie since that's the last thing we saw her doing at her P.C. job...I mean, besides staring off into space while Andy eats a donut.
She also takes a page out of Jack Harkness's book of how to distract people from asking troublesome questions that you don't want to answer.
She tells Rhys that she wants to make it an early night and he's all, "Check Please!"
But -Suddenly!- A massive ball of flame comes hurtling out of the sky towards the hills. Rhys thinks it's an airplane on fire...because in this day in age what else would it be? Surely not random space detritus or anything like that?
Anyway, Gwen and Rhys run off to watch it crash down. She knows it's not an airplane, and then her phone rings.
She has to go to work...because there is emergency filing that needs to be done coincidentally at the exact same time a big old fireball comes crashing down to Earth.
It's Gwen's first ride in the infamous Torchmobile and Jack welcomes her to the team.
She's a little intimidated when all this technology comes flying out of the woodwork onto her lap.
Toshiko actually tries to explain things...I mean, who doesn't have basic tracking and surveillance in the back of their SUVs?
Gwen gives up on actually listening to Toshiko and instead worries about their having access to super secret police networks.
Jack reminds her that she works for Torchwood now and she'd better get used to them trampling all over everybody's rights and stuff. They can do what they want, ill advised or not.
And Gwen wonders what exactly it is she's gotten herself involved in.
So they've arrived at the crash site, but unfortunately the military has managed to get there first.
They disembark and everything is all blurry. Oh, well. Jack orders them into the usual formation, which is chaos and disarray apparently as the "Usual" formation "varies". Then Gwen forgets to grab her kit and gets separated from the team when she goes back for it. I can't say I blame her for the confusion if this is really her first day she's had absolutely no training.
She makes it to the tent where the rest of the team has disappeared and is instantly confronted with a couple of hard ass military guys in berets.
Gwen's all, "Special Ops...Torchwood...I'm Torchwood! Yeah! That's the magic word right?"
Yes, I'm going to call him officer Chet. Officer Chet is a total bastard to Gwen. He calls her a little girl, and she's massively intimidated by him.
Thankfully Jack has returned to rescue her and flirt with everybody.
He admires Gwen's curves, and tells Officer Chet that she is with Torchwood.
And they would appreciate it if the military guys would stay out of the way and let them do the real work.
Officer Chet is resentful.
So what is the real work? Owen takes some scrapings and listens to the meteorite with his stethoscope.
Jack takes readings with the multimeter...I'm only calling it that because it looks slightly like a fluke Which I only looked up for the visual...but damn...it's a more appropriate comparison than I thought if you check out that animation that pops up. They've even got their own SUV!
Aaaaanyway, Tosh is doing something sciency no doubt too. The important thing is she's busy...
And miss No-Training has nothing to do but stand there like a fourth wheel...wait a minute, that analogy does not work in that way does it?
Anyway, Owen asks her to make herself useful and hand him a chisel so he can take a sample. He also calls her sweetheart in that patronizing way that is so endearing to womenfolk everywhere.
Gwen says her name is Gwen, G-W-E-N, she thinks Owen can manage the one syllable.
And he's all, let me call you a bunch of other names that are not your name, haha!
Gwen insults Owen's tool, and Jack thinks this is hilarious.
But it's not that funny when Gwen chucks a freakin chisel overhand right towards Owen's noggin.
And it's not just that she almost impaled her co-worker's brain, the Chisel has cracked opened the meteorite and some purple gas leaks out into the atmosphere.
Good Job, Cooper.
I was wrong. I think Gwen is sufficiently humiliated for now.
Meanwhile, we'll hit the back alleyways of Cardiff and meet up with this young lady. She's on her phone to some guy she's supposed to meet.
As she turns around she comes face to face with the alien gas Gwen just released. The gas thinks her body is as good a place as any to make a home.
Then the body guards won't let her back into the club she'd just left to make that phone call.
So she just lays one on the big guy here and is granted immediate access.
Okay, The gassed up woman peruses the bar and I just wanted to point these guys out...I assume it's a stag party, so is it like, a thing to wear antlers? Or are these guys just unspeakably lame?
Anyway, this guy catches...I forgot I'm not pretending to have not seen this before...her name is Carys. He catches her eye.
Totally Random set dressing note: See those little fliers next to our guy's head on the left side of the screen? They were also hanging up in the pizza place from the last episode. *shrug*
So Carys and the dude totally go do it the bathroom.
Dude reaches climax in an unacceptably short period of time and then he explodes...
Into a shower of golden energy, which Carys consumes
and a little dust pile on the floor at her feet.
We're back at the hub now where Gwen is apologizing to everybody at every chance she gets. She's probably been apologizing for the entire ride back.
I have totally weirdly timed caps for this episode...Anyway, Gwen thinks all of a sudden she's going to be able to deal with whatever she's done all by herself. Nice to take responsibility, but somebody train this woman before she does anything else, please?
She wonders how gas could be that bad, and Owen points out that gas never did anybody any harm. With extra sarcasm.
![](http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm239/nickywiresdress/day%20one/xx00112.png"")
Tosh doesn't say anything, but I miss her. So look at Tosh.
Owen bitches some more about the escaped alien on the loose, he doesn't care about all the good evidenced they've acquired. Jack looks impatiently off into the distance and waits for him to shut-up.
Tosh tells Owen to give Gwen a break. Because Tosh cares, darn it!
Gwen thinks this is the worst first day ever, Owen doesn't not make things better.
Jack tells her to get over it. Besides, it doesn't matter what the hell she does, what really matters is that Jack is always going to forgive her and everybody else in the world while he's at it.
They've just got to find whatever came out of the meteorite. As they're having their little pow-wow in what I have decided to call Cold Storage since that's what it says above the entrance...
Ianto appears out of nowhere with, as it turns out, extremely helpful information. Unusual circumstances involved, he says with a sort of chuckle.
Gwen has to see for herself so she runs up and commandeers his clip-board...and what the hell is Ianto staring at here anyway?
Torchwood hits the nightclub, and...Oooohh, how uncomfortable. Looks like Gwen never made it to that pizza meet-up after all.
She didn't even tell him she got a job with Special-Ops! Andy wants the scoop, but Jack intervenes. There will be no standing around chatting it up with Andy in this job.
She tells Andy and the new girl to run along, and Andy gets all insulted because she's acting like she's now better than them or something. She doesn't deny it.
Torchwood investigates the pile of dust in the bathroom. The most important question being...
how did anybody know that used it used to be a guy.
Flashback to this guy whackin' it while watching Carys and that dude getting it on on the CCTV.
Tosh is horrified.
"He just Came...and Went." Har Har.
Owen thinks this is hilarious. Gwen's powers are obviously tingling at this point as Owen says that's how he'd like to go out.
Tosh says that they can arrange it.
Gwen questions the dude like a good police officer but he's got no answers.
Jack dismisses the guy and Gwen gets all up in his face because she thinks they don't have enough information. Jack totally, completely ignores Gwen and walks out the door.
Jack gives instructions to cover up the guys death. Gwen is indignant.
Gwen wants to tell the family. "You want to tell the family he died screwing an alien?" Says Jack. Gwen thinks that we don't know that for sure even though she just saw the tape. surely there could be an Earthly explanation. Spontaneous human combustion maybe?
But WHO CARES, please look over Jack's left shoulder. You're welcome.
Jack follows the multimeter to where Carys was Alien-jacked. There's some CCTV there to document the event.
There's poor Carys.
Gwen tries to blame herself, and Jack tells her to stop it.
We're going to leave Team Torchwood for a moment and visit Carys, who is cradling a cup of coffee and looking like she's in shock.
Since this is Torchwood, and this is a sex alien, it is only right that her dad offers her toast.
Back at the Hub, Jack is using Satellite tracking data to determine the inward trajectory of the meteorite. Tosh explains to Gwen that this means he's trying to figure out where it comes from. This could come off as condescending, but from Tosh it just sounds like she's being helpful.
Techno-babble is good for the soul, says Jack. I look forward to the book series. Techno-Babble for the Uber-Geek Soul. I'll keep it in the bathroom with my chicken Soup books.
Gwen tries to put all this into her frame of reference and compares it to Rhys's job as a transport manager. So close, yet so far away.
Tosh is surprised to hear that Gwen has a boyfriend. Aww, poor Tosh. This was well before she started killing off all of her love interests. Gwen gets personal then and asks Tosh if she doesn't have one. Not enough time says Tosh. Not with this job.
And Owen...lets not even go there right now.
Jack remains mum on the subject
Gwen proclaims that her intentions are not rude...except maybe they are then she asks how they can all switch off from the job, and relax.
There's a long pause, because the job is what they do to relax...except for Owen his favorite hobby is torturing people in happy relationships.
Good luck, Cooper.
While Jack is trying to figure out where the alien came from, Carys is weeping in the shower.
Back at the hub: Tosh is cross-refrencing images of the UK population with the CCTV footage...Owen is doing something...Ianto is passing out coffee.
Ianto's coffee warms the cockles of Jack's cold, cold inhuman heart, and possibly other areas of his anatomy.
Anyway, Gwen is harping on about Torchwood having access to everybody's face and data protection and whatnot. Jack reminds her that she works for Torchwood and she'd better stop moralizing like that.
Owen is disappointed that there is 119 possible matches when the software should narrow it down to one. The CCTV was too low-res Tosh points out.
Ianto speaks. It's narrowed the numbers down anyway.
He can spot her the old fashioned way. With his eyes.
Gwen took some fingerprints and they don't work. Owen bitches at her for being useless, She bitches at Owen for also being useless. I think he's actually been playing solitaire on his computer throughout this entire scene.
Dear god, I'm so not going to explain this...short story: They figure out how to find Carys.
Meanwhile Carys has emerged from the shower and is suffering what appears to be some hardcore cramps.
Unfortunately some poor delivery boy arrives.
And Alien!Carys wants him to show her the package.
Team Torchwood arrives just in the nick of time and sporting the most ridiculous get-ups ever.
The Multimeter gives Tosh the all-clear.
The team all simultaneously take their masks off giving Carys enough time to escape...
But luckily Owen is there to deploy a plot device that looks like a little shell, but is actually like a portable cage. He makes sure to let us now that the battery life is rubbish.
Jack is all, "Wait a minute, Did nobody watch the previous episode? I thought we had a rule about this?"
And Owen's all, "I stopped the gas from escaping didn't I?"
Jack's a bit exasperated at the whole lack of rule following. Kids these days.
later Jack instructs Gwen to go find out what Carys knows, and Gwen takes this inopportune moment to admit that she doesn't know what the hell she's doing. Jack imparts some pearls of wisdom: Don't let the prisoner know you're incompetent.
Down in the cells Carys is back to being Carys. She's all confused and sympathetic.
Which makes gwen sad. She tells Carys that she knows there's an alien inside her and it made her kill the boy at the night club.
the alien gas makes Carys violently convulse. Now Carys has become Alien!Carys and she approaches Gwen.
She's all angry because Gwen broke her ship.
Gwen thinks Alien!Carys is here to invade Earth and enslave it's people, because that's what aliens do. Now, now, that's just a stereotype, Gwen. Don't be racist.
Alien!Carys just wants to get it on with as many people as possible, since she lives off orgasmic energy and the Earth is the greatest source for it. If only we could figure out a way to get our cars to run on orgasmic energy, then we'd be set.
Gwen's all, "Yeah, okay. Whatever"
Then the Alien throws Carys' body around the cell like rag doll. Gwen rushes to her aid, and Carys begs for help.
The alien returns though, and it attacks Gwen, with her lips.
Meanwhile, Owen is enthralled with this hot girl on girl action going on the CCTV.
Which is entirely gratuitous and unnecessary to the plot.
Jack and Tosh get called in for a peep.
Tosh wonders about Gwen's boyfriend.
Jack finds it amusing...the 21st Century and it's quaint categories.
They finally decide that maybe Gwen could use a little help in this situation instead of all the ogling.
Back in the cells, Alien!Carys decides that there needs to be a penis involved for the appropriate orgasmic energy transfer. She only figures this out when she rips opened Gwen's blouse and finds boobs.
Gwen's all rejected.
Then Carys returns and begs for Gwen to promise to save her. She's losing control of herself.
Gwen promises, then she has to answer her phone, which is ringing despite being several feet below sea level and surrounded by concrete. I want her service provider!
Jack and Tosh pop in for a check up.
And Gwen thumbs ups them.
Rhys is only asking if she'll be home for dinner, but she doesn't know.
Gwen is sad.
But she's leaning against a weevil cage and it's none to happy about that.
On one hand..
And the other. Let's compare.
Owen has to give Gwen some shit once she emerges from the cells.
So Gwen gets all up in his face and is really angry because they should be helping Carys instead of making lame jokes. Carys is a human and not a lab rat.
Owen calls Carys a murderer who Gwen wanted caught.
Luckily Jack intervenes before they start getting it on, and Ianto brings Chinese food!
Everybody's in a better mood now that they've been fed. They're telling stories about some alien fiasco or another
Ianto is laughing and smiling and having a nice time. I only point it out because it hasn't happened on screen since.
Jack laments alien heigeyne, and announces that he has to pee.
Owen and Tosh start the gossip train a-rollin' and want to know what Jack has told Gwen about himself.
Gwen doesn't know why they would think she'd have the inside track since she just got there. Owen thinks since she's a PC and trained to ask questions she could have gotten him to open up a little. Well, Gwen's remarkably adept at asking questions. Getting aswers is a whole other ball of wax apparently.
Gwen wonders that they don't know anything. That couldn't possibly be true.
Owen and Tosh confirm, except that Jack is gay, according to Owen.
Gwen says No way.
So does Tosh.
Ianto does not care. I bet you don't, Ianto. I bet you don't.
Period military is not the dress code of a straight man says Owen. .
Gwen thinks it suits him.
Tosh agrees says she's watched him in action and he'll shag anything if it's gorgeous enough...Owen has his surrounded by a bunch of girls face on.
More gossip. They don't even know if he's for real American.
Maybe he's classified says Gwen. Ianto thinks he's something big in the CIA. I have come to the conclusion in my mind that Ianto is lying his ass off for no particular reason here. There's no way he dosn't have any info on Jack Harkness.
Owen wants to know the secrets.
Gwen knows at least one of them. The whole not dying thing. Let's not forget that everybody isn't supposed to know that yet.
Gwen hears a noise.
Owen knows exactly what it is but instead of muting the television and keeping "Newbie" frome getting all irate again, he turns it up so we can all get a good dose of Carys suffering down in her cell.
Because that's what it is. Carys weeping. Gwen wonders why they're eating Chinese while a girl fights for her life.
I like to call this the "I am hiding my cyberized girlfriend in the basement" look.
Anyway, Jack is back to explain all the sciency automatic analyzing stuffity stuff they're doing while Carys is weeping away. What else can they do?
Gwen thinks they've been spending so much time underground with the aliens that they've lost what it's like to be human. Excuse me while I scream. This whole Jack is a cold hearted bastard (not to mention the rest of the team!) plotline drives me crazy.
Tell me what it means to be human says Jack, and Gwen says, alrighty then.
Errr, yeah. So, Gwen prints out every irrelevant bit of information she can find on Carys. From dental records to emails about Heath Ledger and Orland Bloom.
Jack wonders why she's done this. Because it totally makes no sense and is completely irrelevant to the case?
She's done it to remind everybody that Carys is just a poor little girl who needs saving, not locking up or analyzing or whatever. It's not about alien gas, or meteorites, except that it is about alien gas and meteorties and analyzing and locking Carys up could save her, not to mention all the men of Cardiff...Arrrrrggg!! *Climbs up a wall*
Anyway, I'm back. Gwen says they've got to find a way to keep Carys fighting the alien inside her.
Jack is staring at Gwen...Because she's totally insane?
Ugh, no. Alas, he think's she is brilliant.
Until Gwen wants to bring in Carys's dad.
Jack thinks this is a very, very horrible idea, since they're supposed to be protecting civilians, not putting them in danger.
Gwen pleads with her big eyes. Who else is going to help Carys? Jack calls her awkward.
Anyway, Tosh calls us over to her area so we can thankfully get away from this nonsense.
Short story, Carys is secreting wicked strong pheromones. SEX pheromones.
Gwen admits to the Carys snogging from earlier. Jack and Tosh admit they know.
Jack wonders if Gwen wants to rethink putting Carys's Dad in the cell, and she does...then they remember that they don't know where Owen is.
Owen is totally naked and cuffed and locked in a cell.
Turns out she just wanted him for his swipe card. Awww.
There's only one thing standing between Carys and escape now.
She runs into the weapons room, and grabs a Mace.
Jack ends up with a big stick. He gets bashed in the knee, but ultimately gets the mace away from her, and they go running around the hub.
Jack blocks the exit, but Carys takes the Doctor hand hostage.
Jack's all, "Put that down, it's useless to anybody but me!" Way to let her know that she's picked up something of value.
Jack is way upset about the stolen hand. He can't even shoot her and she makes it up to the Tourist center.
Ianto wants to know if he needs to do any attackin'.
Jack says no, just open the door. He's willing to let her go for the hand. She dosn't give it up though. She tosses it over the counter and escapes.
Jack pines for the Doctor's hand. This is so wierd.
Tosh and Gwen lose track of Carys and have fabulous windblown hair.
Gwen gets on Jack about the hand that she knows nothing about being more important to him than Carys. He tells her to go do something useful like contact the police or something.
She's all, "Right, I'll just put out an APB for a girl going around knobbin' fellahs to death. Jack gives her the rolly eyes of doom.
Owen's going to interrupt this chatter, for he has some bad news.
Tosh, Jack and Gwen convene in Cold Storage for Owen's presentation.
Basically, Carys's body is changing too much to get anything useful, so Owen did a little comparison.
He infected the rat with a little gas.
The gas wreaks havoc on the body and causes the heart to race and the pressure on the internal organs to increase until:
RAT JAM!
Ahh, Owen, so much glee in his work.
So that's what's going to happen to Carys? Better find her guys.
Outside Carys is innundated with sexy sexy images.
Back at the hub they try to figure out where Carys has gone.
Break it down for us Tosh: The alien is going to look for sex.
So where would it go?
Owen says, "I'd come around and shag you." to Gwen.
Jack and Tosh agree this is not the time to sexually harass your co-workers.
Jack suggests lap dance clubs and brothels, but it's Tosh who gets the best idea.
Carys has gone to visit the man she was supposed to meet at the club the other night.
He is married and has a kid and is all around skeevy. Poor Carys lost her virginity to this cheating schlub.
Anyway, the sex gas takes over.
Carys gives him one chance to save himself...tell her he loved her.
He says no.
He's only a pile of dust when Gwen and Jack find him.
Later Tosh has a thought...why did the alien choose Carys?
Gwen thinks it was totally random. Jack says no, it's using Carys to get what it needs.
So any more clues then? They all stare at Gwen.
She wants to know why.
Because she's the one who did the whole analysis of Carys's life profile...but sorry. Gwen doesn't know anything. Not even where Carys is working now. All she knows is she's a temp...
Tosh supplies her current workplace: Conway Clinic.
Which Owen instantly knows is a sperm bank. How many little Owens do you think are running around Cardiff then?
And that's exactly where Carys has gone, she clocks the receptionist and makes for the boys.
Jack hands Gwen a gun, and she doesn't know how to use it. Somebody give her some training!
Anyway, they need to get the alien out of Carys before it kills her, and exposure to the atmosphere should take care of the alien.
The Team hit the clinic and there's a lot of man dust piles around.
They finally find Carys.
She's distressed because the Orgasmic energy is getting less and less potent as time goes by. She just wants one more hit, but Gwen can't give it to her.
So Jack offers up. His kiss makes Carys get all glowy.
Then she passes out.
Since Gwen feels responsible so she wants to take Cary's place.
Jack asks if Gwen's sure, and she is because they might be able to figure out a way to save her in time. Jack says Okay.
Tosh is all angry because she doesn't want Jack to let Gwen sacrifice herself.
Jack says that Gwen's responsible for this whole mess, so...there you go.
The gas leaves Carys and heads for Gwen...
But as luck would have it, Jack has got the Sea shell from earlier and tosses it out, so the gas gets trapped.
Owen wonders about the battery life. I don't know if this tidbit is supposed to build suspence...but it really doesn't.
And the sex gas dies.
Jack's all, "everybody dies alone" How depressing.
Gwen kisses him a thank you.
And he's like, "Hmmm. Intriguing."
Carys is restored to her father!
Jack finds Gwen has stayed late to file away her useless papers.
He thought she'd gone home to do whatever it is that everybody does when they leave. Ohh, I know! Tosh has gone home to spend the evening building some type of high-tech gadget. Owen is out trying to numb his inner pain and turmoil with indescrimate sexual encounters, and Ianto hasn't gone home. He's homeless, and is in the basement right now reading to his cyber girlfriend.
Gwen wants to know, what about him. He dosn't even bother to answer...just shrugs.
Well, Jack's been thinking and he wants Gwen to do a favor for him. He wants her to keep her outside life. They need her outside persepective.
Gwen is not going to address this issue. She's going to ask Jack who he is for the millionth time already.
Nope, she totally did not listen to a word you just said, Jack. She's wants to know all about Jack, why he can't die. Why he knows the 21st century is when it all changes.
He wonders if she really thinks knowing would make her feel better. Knowing how he knows the 21st century is when it all changes I can safely say that story would not make ME feel better.
She asks him who he is yet again. Dude, get it through your head, he's never going to tell you!
Instead he tells her to go home and eat lasangne and kiss her boyfriend and be normal. For him.
Gwen goes home and eats Lasagna. Either she cooked dinner or Rhys is totally psychic. Anyway, Rhys blabs, Gwen pays no attention whatsover.
He catches her at it, but all is forgiven when Gwen smiles at him. We end on Rhys kisses and the promise of some nookie. Lasagna: Check Kissed Boyfriend: Check Be Normal: Check All's well that ends well.
Next Time
Alien Tech!
Old Men!
And Gwen Cooper!
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