The Paris of America

001 Torchwood. Oh. Dear.

Season One : Episode One
Everything Changes (slightly revised edition)

Back by Popular Demand. It has been requested that I go back and make captions for all of season one, so here I am. With two seasons worth of Spin. I'm not even going to pretend that this recap covers only my first viewing of this episode ever. So Big fat Giant Organic Spoilers all the way up to 2 x 12. (But Not Children of Earth. I wrote these before that, and I haven't even watched the whole thing yet. So...lets just pretend it doesn't exist right now...or ever.)

Heed this warning, and no bitching. Like anybody reads this shiz anyway.

This being Torchwood, we waste no time in getting to the horror and open with a dead body in the rain.

Pulling away we see a crime scene, and then there's these two. We're not pretending now, so I'll go ahead and tell you that this is Andy Davidson, and Gwen in, eh...crowd control, Or standing around in the rain as it were. Let's take special note of the fact that Gwen is drinking a coffee that she's stolen from somebody else who ordered one because they arrived ON TIME, but she was late to the partay. We haven't even met her yet and she's stealing other people's coffees.

Andy's asking her if she wants to go hang out with the gang for drinks and pizza or something along those lines sometime later that week, and she says yeah, sure. Anyway, the crime scene dudes have to clear the area now.

So while Andy goes to do his job, waving spectators away so the dudes in the white suits can clear the area...Gwen just decides she's going to ask what's going on, because the Dudes in the white suits can't just leave the crime scen all willy nilly like this. That's just not kosher.

It's Torchwood. Hoodie explains.

And here they are, looking respendant as they stride towards the dead body in V formation. Jack Harkness leading the way.

Who's Torchwood, Gwen asks. And I have to wonder if Torchwood was much better at being secretive before Gwen came on...because, this time next season old ladies on the street have heard of Torchwood, and here Gwen is supposed to be some kind of crack policewoman.

Anyway, Gwen's think's they're not allowed in there...which is why everybody has just cleared a path for them, because people with no clearance can just waltz up to a crime scene.

Hoodie thinks it's all gone to shit anyway with "Special Ops" trampling the crime scenes willy-nilly. Oh, yeah, and he asks if Gwen is going to drink her coffee, and she says no, and hands it over...what the hell? Who shares drinks with strangers? Does this man know that her Gwen germs are already swirling around in this cup?

Jack takes a peek at Gwen.

And then she wonders what else she can do to stick her nose in where it doesn't belong instead of directing traffic or what ever it is she's meant to be doing.

She runs into a nearby parking garage so she can have a prime vantage point of the strange goings on.

Tosh is taking readings and Owen is documenting the action with pictures.

For some reason Jack is babbling on and on about Eeestrogen in the rain and how he's never getting pregnant again. Not one single person on the team is paying attention to him. They're probably used to it.

We get our first glimpse of Suzie, she's workign with this medievil looking gauntlet thing...but, like most things in Torchwood, she really does not know how to work this bit of alien tech. She just has to 'feel' it.

And our first impression of Owen? "Hurry up and feel it, I'm freezing my arse off here." Ahh, he's in fine form already.

Meanwhile, Tosh is making really annoyed frowny faces at them, at this point we know why.

Then Suzie explains that she doesn't know how the glove works. "It just grants me access!" Yeah! That's it!

Then Owen says what we're all thinking. "Whatever that means."

So the glove decides it doesn't want to hang out in the rain anymore, and it switches on and the rain stops.

Suzie puts her hand underneath the body's head and he suddenly comes back to life.

Meanwhile, Gwen is hanging out witnessing all this super secret Torchwood business from the parking garage.

This guy is a bit freaked out, he was only walking home minding his own business and now he's lying on the ground in the rain surrounded by all these strange people.

Tosh is in charge of questioning him this time. She tells him never to mind the fact that he's lying on the ground in the rain surrounded by shady strangers. They've only got two minutes, after all.

You're Dead. She tells him. And he's all, 'what the hell? How am I dead?'

Owen, not one to mince words, tells him that he was stabbed, and the dead guy is in denial.

Tosh has all the important questions. She's asking about his murder and who it was and what he saw. He's just whining about not wanting to be dead. This lack of information proves to be of no use to Tosh and now everybody is at a loss for words, so they stand around staring at each other.

Until the Dead guy wonders what they do now.

Suzie tells Tosh not to waste any of the precious seconds they have left, but Tosh is a little testy right now, and she has nothing left to ask him. They both look to Jack, and he asks what the guy's name is.

"John Tucker" he says, and we know he's a total goner, because John Tucker Must Die.

Anyway, Jack asks what it was like when he was dead. John says he doesn't know, and Jack presses him until he realizes that there is NOTHING beyond death. Then the glove runs out of juice so he dies just in time for this revalation. Thanks Jack!

The rain starts Back Up.

Own and Tosh bicker about whether or not it was a good idea to tell the man he had died, and Jack thinks maybe there is no right way to do this.

Then he looks up to the heavans and asks Gwen what she thinks.

Yes, Gwen, he knew you were there. She doesn't answer, but instead runs away.

Later she comes home to her boyfriend who is watching some kind of lifetime type movie or something on the TV. They have a little Chat about thier day...Rhys Williams as he is called wonders if Gwen was at the murder crime scene in the city centre. She lies and tells him no for no discernable reason. It's the picture of domestic blis.

Gwen spends a long sleepless night thinking about Jack Harkness raising the dead.

Then she asks her police buddy the next morning to find out what she can about Jack. She is quite pleased with herself.

Meanwhile, we find out what Gwen does over at the station as the detectives work on their serial murder case. Who knew she had so much in common with Ianto?

Later Gwen and Andy are called in to break up a bar fight. In the middle of the day. Rowdy place, Cardiff. She bonks her head and has to go to the hospital.

Poor girl is wandering around with a brain contusion and her partner is nowhere to be seen when she coincidentaly spies a man in a great coat rushing up the stairs.

It's all screened out at the top.

She peers downstairs and asks some maintainence guy or whomever who sealed it off upstairs. I'd wager a guess that someone sealed it off to keep people out. Just a guess. Does it really matter who?

He thinks it was the police, or maybe chemicals.

Not even toxic chemicals can stop Gwen Cooper though.

She spots this thing down the hallway and thinks it's a guy in a freaky mask. Okay, Maybe. Let's get a little bit closer.

Guy in a mask? You've got to be kidding me. RUN you fool. RUN!!

Maintainence guy enters the scene. He too thinks it's a bloody brilliant mask. Let's get even closer.

For God's sake...RUN!

Then he pokes it in the lip for good measure and it rips open his jugular vein. Heh, should we start taking down the number of deaths Gwen has unintentionally caused right now? I'm sure that guy was going to mop up some vomit in less restricted areas of the hospital before she stopped him.

after Team Torchwood all at the same time burst out of the eleveator and subdue the creature, Jack helps Gwen run away and she's left to wander the halls in a daze. She makes her way outside where the Torchmobile nearly runs her down.

Then she hops in her police car and ditches Andy, who we find out did make it to the hospital, but had to make a pit stop for donuts or something.

Gwen tries to see who has registered the Torchmobile and her friend has some information to report on this Captain Jack Harkness...there isn't one. Well, there is one, but it can't be the one she's looking for because he disapeared January 21st 1941 and the hieght of the blitz. Hmmmmmmm.

Gwen sees the Torchmobile pull up, then these four get out, and the Torchmobile pulls away. You know that means Ianto is the one who almost ran her down, don't you? Anyway, they all pile onto the lift and promptly disappear from Gwen's perception. She looks behind the water tower just in case.

Later on we learn that the Torchmobile is unregistered, and Andy has walked all the way from the hospital to the bay. I don't know how far that would be but judging by all the time Gwen spent chasing the Torchmobile, it seems like quite a distance.

And later still Gwen tries to convince Andy that she's not totally insane.

She fails. All hospital staff have been accounted for, there was no monster chewing on a guys neck, there's no SUV with Torchwood etched in the side, there's no Jack Harkness, and people don't disappear into thin air. That's the bump on her noggin making her hallucinate.

Back at Che Williams, Rhys has cooked dinner, but Gwen has other plans. Namely, lying to him and going to hang out in front of the Millenium Centre until the world starts to make sense again. Gwen, like a python, does not seem to be willing to let go once she's sunk her teeth in.

She tells him that she's going to take on a double shift because of some sort of sporting event, and he looks sad until she pouts at him to forgive her and he does with a grin and then she gets Rhys kisses. No fair!

So Gwen goes and has been standing out on the Plass for a while now, when she spies a Jubilee pizza scooter, and hatches a brilliant sceme.

She lies about being a detective to the poor kid behind the counter who would have probably given her the information anyway (Is there such a thing as Pizza Joint/Client priveledge?) and asks if they have a Jack Harkness on record. Because everybody likes pizza, especially Americans.

There is no variation of Jack Harkness in the system.

She's about to leave when she's hit with another brainstorm. What about Torchwood? (PS: You can see Flyers for the Superclub in the background of this scene.)

Yep. Torchwood, they're good customers. Okay, I take it back, they've always sucked at super secrecy.

So Gwen has brought her subterfuge pizza's around to the Torchwood super secret lair...which is the shadiest looking tourist information that I have ever seen.

We meet resident Torchwood lackey, Ianto Jones who is looking upon her with bemused pity. Who are the pizza's for, he asks.

Mr. Harkness?

Ianto gives her what I will now and forever refer to as Ianto's smirk of deviltry. Take note, it will make a return appearance or two. He pops open the secret door and sends her on her way.

Our Gwen seems a little uncharactristically hesistent to enter this dark, creepy, corridore so she looks to Ianto for reassurance.

And he gives her a nod, which ends in a full on grin of deviltry. How could you not trust that face?

Gwen gets her first glimpse of the main hub.

There's the damn hand. And by the way, that is one disgusting charred head in the container behind it. Ewww.

Gwen spies Suzie welding.

And takes special notice of Jack's ass, but then again, who doesn't?

We have Owen and tosh...

Owen and Tosh who cannot manage to keep a straight face long enough to finish fucking with Gwen.

I have to say, I feel bad for Gwen here, because I hate when people mess around with me, and on top of that they're laughing at her!

Anyway, Jack is bummed because he had this whole damn joke planned out in his mind, with a really great punchline had they made it that far.


Gwen thinks she'd better go now, but Jack essentially has got her trapped down there, and she's not going anywhere for the time being no matter how much she would like to crawl into a hole and die.

Especially when they start in on how they'd been watching her the entire time. Jack want's to know who orders pizza under the name Torchwood before they finish completely humiliating Gwen.

That would be me, says Owen. I'm a twat. Let it be known that if I ever refer to him as a twat again...he said it first.

Wait a minute, I forgot Gwen can't be humiliated. She's going to start questioning Jack about the man at the hospital earlier in the day. Jack lets her know that he's dead and she's all, 'but nobody's gone missing!'

Toshiko lets her know all about their cover up jobs and Gwen climbs up on her high horse and rides it hard.

While we're all confessing to murder conspiracies, let's ask about John Tucker.

Jack asks her what she did see since she was spying on them and all.

She saw him revived.

Which is wrong, and he's just going to ask her what she saw until she gets it right.

Resussitated? Wrong also. Brought back to life! Ding! Correct. Tell her what she's won?

Googly eyes with Jack Harkness. The first of many, many, more to come. Actually, Gwen seems more frightened here than anything else.

She asks who they are, and the answer is Torchwood, and she wants to know what Torchwood is, and Jack helpfully gestures around the hub as if that's going to make everything crystal clear.

Poor Gwen wonders what they're going to do to her, and before Jack can answer she pulls the police constable card and tells him they can't do anything or she'll tell the cops on them.

Jack somehow manages not to laugh in her face then invites her to come and meet the murderer of the day.


No silly, I mean the Weevil.

Jack explains that it's an alien. (and it eats poo. Very important fact, I assure you.) Gwen is pretty speechless and scared.

So Jack plops her down on a stool so she can gaze into the weevil's eyes.

So as is customary with first episodes we get to meet everybody. This is Doctor Owen Harper, thank you very much.

And Toshiko Sato...technical genius.

Suzie witht he ambiguous enough title of second in command.

And Ianto Jones. He's the one who cleans up everybody's crap and gets them everywhere on time.

Also, he looks good in a suit. Jack, the big flirt.

but Ianto flirts back. Note the slight smirk of deviltry at work.

Gwen doesn't really care all about that anyway though...because she thinks she's about to get offed now that she knows all of Torchwood's secrets. What are you going to do with me she asks.

What do you imagine, says Jack. Rawwwr! The big flirt.

Gwen doesn't realize that he's flirting though and is still highly worried.

Jack decides it's a good time to hand out Orders!

Tosh! calibrate shit. Owen! Call people, they're lying.

Ianto! Who is randomly hanging out in my office...Back up Owen on that call if he needs it.

Suzie! do some boring paperwork

Gwen, With me! Try to be more enthused, Cooper, you're the one that tracked him down.

Gwen's says she's getting tired of following him, and he's all, 'no you're not and you never will.' Which is frightfully true as it turns out.

They take a ride up the invisible lift, and Gwen demands explanation once they get to top.

Short explanation: TARDIS WUZ HERE.

Gwen's all, "Won't people fall in the hole?"

And Jack's like, "You're so Welsh, Cooper."

So instead of, like running away and telling someone who might be trustworthy about all this crazy shit that she has just witnessed she decides to go out and have a drink with this Captain Harkness. He's having a water.

She is chugging that beer like a pro.

Anyway, Gwen wants an explanation for something because she doesn't get it...

And Jack interrupts her to tell her about what he doesn't get, and what most of the audience doesn't get: Why don't people believe in aliens yet? Like the spaceship hovering over London...or say...the Battle of Canary Wharf? A Cyberman in every home. Including Yours, JacK? HMMMM...

Well, the boyfriend says that it's the drugs in the water making everybody have mass halucenations...which is more insane than actually believing in aliens as far as I'm concerned.

"You're boyfriend's stupid" Says Jack.

"Oh you've met him," says Gwen.

Haha! HEY. Don't laugh at Rhys while we still like you guys.

Short version:

Gwen: YOu catch Aliens?
Jack: Yes.
Gwen: Awesome!!

She asks who he is for the billionth time this episode, and get's the standard answer: Captain Jack Harkness...then she admits that she was checking him out...and the only one on record is that one who disappeared. Couldn't be him he says. Could it? Dun...dun...dun...Oh, well. Gwen's not finding out for sure today in any case. Since this is Jack and she's asking personal questions he's going to change the subject back to aliens. They scavenge the alien tech to arm themselves against the future because, Everyone with me now, "The Twenty First Century is when it all Changes...And you gotta be ready."

Who's in charge of you, she wants to know.

Insert sperate from the government beyond the united nations speech. Jack doesn't want anybody using this alien crap for thier own nefarious purposes. So could you, says gwen.

And Jack's all, "No, my perefectly obedient staff would never disobey policy, or direct orders to take stuff off base without explicit permision. NEVER."

So, Here's the alien tech Tosh "borrowed".

And Here's the alien tech Owen "borrowed.

And Here's the alien tech Suzie "Borrowed".

Back at the bar of exposition...How did Jack end up in cardiff...

Things we know from Doctor Who: Torchwood One = London. Torchwood three is in Cardiff because of the Rift in space in time there. Things we learn: Torchwood 2 is run by some weirdo in Glasgow, and Torchwood 4 is missing, to be used as a plot device in the future hopefully.

So where is Jack really from she wonders. Jack is never going to tell anybody that willfully though. This time Gwen doesn't badger him though, she thinks that they can liaise with police on the John Tucker/Serial murder thing!

Short version:

Jack: We're so not doing that. We're only testing the glove, and we need victims dead by violent trauma. It's totally more important than solving murders.

Gwen: But you could help! Think of the children!

Jack: That's not our job.

"Tough Shit" Says Gwen. She's going to report them, because she has a duty to solve crimes being a police officer and whatnot.

"If you remember" says Jack.

And she thinks he's poisoned him.

Not quite so drastic though. Retcon meet Gwen Cooper. It's going to wipe out her memories of Torchwood...and Jack, which is quite a pity. She runs out of the bar.

"This always happens."

Then he goes after her.

Don't tell anyone, he warns her. You don't want them to get hurt after all.

She calls him a bastard and runs off.

When she gets home she flips on the computer so she can write down her memories before she succumbs to the sedative in the retcon.

She writes about Owen Harper, so we'll go visit him down at another bar...He's using his alien tech to get chicks to sleep with him. We will not debate about this here as it's been done.

Toshiko is scanning books into her computer, which sounds about as exciting as what I do in my own spare time. See: THIS.

Suzie is bringing flies back to life, because she's obsessed and on the edge of madness.

Gwen flexes her eyeball muscles in an effort to stay awake.

And Owen has enraged the blonde woman's boyfriend, so he spritzes himself again with alien spray and now the boyfriend wants him too.

Gwen starts to nod.

Ahh, but let's not forget about Ianto Jones. He has not gone home yet, because he is homeless. Instead he's chillin' in Jack's office some more, keeping an eye on Gwen's home computer.

He deltes all of what Gwen's just written and she's too drugged up to make any sense of it whatsover.

Lights out.

So, Jack has been randomly standing on a rooftop all night aparently. And people wonder how Ianto got a Cyberwoman into the hub?

Rhys brings Gwen a cup of Coffee and wonders if maybe a girl with a concussion shouldn't be out drinking all night. And you have to wonder about Gwen that he thinks she's been out all night drinking.

And Gwen's all, "bleeeurgh" She just assumes she got drunk off her ass as well.

Later Gwen is doing more of her crack police work: Filing.

When she spots this artists rendering of the John Tucker murder weapon.

This sets the Cogs in her brain in motion. It's just about the only thing she can think about.

Exhibit A: Andy Eats a donut and blathers on about something. Gwen pays no attention whatsover.

Exhibit B: Rhys blathers on about something and Gwen pays no attention whatsover. This will be a reoccuring theme througout the show.

Later Gwen cannot sleep, with thoughts of creepy murder knives flashing in her head.

So she goes out to her computer to sketch it out.

She gets a bit frustrated until she spies a brochure fo the Millenium Centre with the word "Remember" written on the front. This must have sparked something because she sneaks out to the bay in the middle of the night.

She's hanging around completely clueless when she meets back up with Suzie. Gwen recoginzes her in flashback form, but doesn't remember where.

Anyway, it's now time for the Surprise!Villian to report on their evil mastermind plan: Suzie saw the report about the knife evidence that Gwen saw earlier in the day. This is all Gwen's fault by the way, because it was her idea to liaise with the police and Suzie was the only one who did. Luckily...or unluckily as the case may be.

She whips out the knife.
And Gwen tries to arrest her, but she's not very fact she gives up halfway through and just asks Suzie where she knows her from.

Suzie tells us that a certain image can trip the amnesia pill if you're clever...and writers know that Gwen is clever! Then Suzie stashes the knife and fumbles around in her big old handbag for quite a while until she pulls out a gun...

Gwen stands still and tells her to put it down. There's not much she can do at ths point...she's should have used the "flight" option while Suzie still had the knife out.

Suzie's annoyed that Gwen came back...she was the only one in the outside world who could link her to the case...Torchwood is going to find out, and now Suzie has to run...but Damn she loved her job and she's going to miss it. She laments the Weevils and Bollocks and shit, she wants to see something wonderful and brilliant..

The Retcon is still working because Gwen truly has no clue what this insane person is on about. She wants to know why she killed three people.

To test the gove says Suzie. Wouldn't it be awsome to bring people back to life!! I guess she's never read Pet Cemetary.

Meanwhile, Jack takes the invisible lift up to the Plass...where Gwen and Suzie are convieniently, and symetrically standing.

Suzie's annoyed that she's working all the time, learning about the alien tech, and letting it make her totally fucking nuts in the head while everybody else is out having a good time, scanning books and getting laid.

And Jack's all, "I had no idea Suzie lost her mind. What in the hell?"

Suzie's still ranting about how she has to get inside the alien tech and live it and breath it and then she shoots Jack right between the eyes because the perception filter doesn't work on her.

Gwen sees him drop out of the filter zone, dead as a doornail, and is all...Where the hell did that come from? What have you done, crazy lady?

Now that she's killed her boss there's no stopping her. Poor Gwen has a weeping breakdown as her life flashes before her eyes and Suzie apologieses for what she's about to do.

But...Oooo, Surprise! Heh. Jack cannot die.

Give it up, Suzie.

But good old crazy ass Suzie isn't about to do that.

One last look at Gwen and she puts the gun to her chin and...that's the end of Suzie.

Gwen is duly horrified.

Jack does not believe this shit.

Then, Gwen Remembers.

Later, Ianto locks the Resurection Gauntlet away for safe keeping. This Cap is specially dedicated to Lavena and Blue for their encouraging my madness. Anyway, Owen and Tosh shamefully turn in their ill gotten alien tech.

Jack lays Suzie to rest in the morgue.

Some time later that evening Gwen and Jack are hanging out on top of the Millenium Centre for no discernable reason.

Jack tells her that he can't die and she totally gives him a resigned "Okay, I don't believe you, but I'm saying okay to indulge your total insanity." And Jack's all, "But, no really! I can't die. The TARDIS WUZ HERE!

Gwen worries about getting retconned again, but instead Jack offers her a job. "What do you need me for?" She says what we're all thinking...right now at this very moment after two whole seasons.

Because Gwen was right about them maybe doing more to help people. And thus began Gwen Cooper's career as a "Carer, with an Oh, So Beating Heart." Whatever that means. We're just going to roll with it, alright?

Jack: So what do you say, Gwen Cooper?

Gwen: You bet your sweet ass I want to catch aliens!

Next Time:

Sex Aliens in Cardiff!

Orgasmic Energy!

More Gwen than you can shake a stick at!



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